"Damn All Those People Who Don't Lose Control, Who Will Never Take A Foot Out Of Life"

Do you ever get this feeling that you're just so small and life is too great of a challenge for you? Not because you're particularly down and out -- no, your life could be worse and there are people worse off than you, but that's not the point. It's the menial but important things that overwhelm you, that you seem to be incapable of doing. You can't cook, you're shy, you eat at an uncomfortably slow pace, you get nervous about stupid things like sending emails, you fear asking people out, you have difficulty speaking your mind.

I have no idea how to cure this affliction, because it comes in waves. Sometimes I am happy and feel great and confident, at other times I feel shitty and continuously embarrassed and useless. I feel like the latter is more frequent than the former, though, and grows more prominent as I grow older.

I don't know; I think I'm being dramatic because I had a less than ideal 'date' with the girl I'm in an almost-thing with. It's not that we fought or anything; it's just that it felt we weren't in sync and that there was no spark. We didn't hold hands, we didn't kiss, she was tired, I was nervous. I don't want it to end so soon, but if we don't grow more comfortable again and soon, someone is going to get bored and suggest we stop seeing each other. There is little to no chance of it being me, which puts me in high risk of becoming a dumpee.

The girls I like are always so much more than I am - they always have a foot in life, aren't shy with strangers, and have people that love them, and in comparison I always feel so, so pale and so, so small. I remember A. would tell me all about the awesome house parties she was going to and how she would get involved in the Model UN and this is not to mention the great stuff she had done in the past -- and now there is N. who travels, gets jobs by sending in convincing emails from abroad, goes to parties and shows with her friends, and, gosh, I feel inadequate. I don't communicate that much with friends (bar a couple); I don't go to things; I don't work -- I have an infatuation for them but I have nothing to offer.

The thing is, I don't particularly care about matching them in their wondrousness -- it's another issue, my relationship with my own mediocrity. In a relationship, all I care about is how we relate to each other; she could be a millionaire mogul and I a starving writer and if we both related well to each other, I would be happy, but it seems, to me, like those girls who never take a foot out of life are too good for me. Now obviously I won't shoot for less than what I love in people just because of my own inadequacies, so it seems like for as long as I like people, this will be a problem. Which sucks.

But perhaps it's a one-sided problem. I can't tell whether she feels that way or not. She is difficult to read, especially when she's not so communicative with me online, which in turn confuses me further, and I wonder whether she likes me at all. Her behaviour today made me feel she was bored of me; I hope I didn't come across that way to her. Despite past hesitancy, I really do want it to work now. At least for a little while.

I think my problem is that I want love to be consuming - I want it to be us, and for everyone else to be them, but I haven't found that yet. I don't want a "I love you more than myself" kind of relationship, because I don't think it's realistic, but I want a "I love you more than anything else" kind. I will never be forceful about it; I will never ever cause a girl to cut off other people and things, and sacrifice doing what she loves -- I just want a girl whose favourite pastime is clearly being around me, just like mine would be being around her.