Love of Lights

Today was the final day of my first year accommodation lease, which means I am officially done with my first year. This calls for a blog post. It's been a curious year, and I'd like to reflect on it, I guess. I'm not sure what to say exactly. It's been a ride, and when things have 'been a ride', it's always difficult to intellectualise and draw profound conclusions from them. They're experiences, not lessons; they burn as sentiments, not facts and warning signs. But I suppose it's important (or at least fun) to try to draw something from them. The first semester taught me to let go of the cult of expectations, and that's something that has stuck with me. Never expect anything, and live life in itself. An expectation is a form of entitlement, and when it comes down to it, no one's entitled to anything. Live your life - plan and hope that things go according to plan, sure, but never expect anything. Always leave room for the unexpected, and...

Recent events have had me far more nervous than usual. It seems like sleep and brief moments of unthoughtfulness are the only respites against this burning sensation of anxiety within me. It seems rather uncalled for and over the top, but since that second night out with her (the her of the previous post), I have felt this way. And much more has happened since. We've been out twice, one time with more alcohol, the other time with less. The time with less alcohol naturally was more awkward, but I still enjoyed myself. I'm not sure if she did. The time with more alcohol, we kissed. I don't know where that puts us. I like it when she is near me. However, the nerves have been furiously high. Eating is difficult and I've noticed a sharp decline in my quality of conversation with people. I am full of sighs because I don't know what she is thinking. I don't know whether she likes me. I try to talk to her by Facebook, but she is often not online. She is not a regula...

Recently I met a girl, and I may like her, and she may like me. This means there is potential for us becoming an item, and this frightens the hell out of me. For one, I'm fairly sure that neither of us are certain that we like each other or whether those nights were thanks entirely to alcohol. Secondly, I have no idea how one goes about becoming "an item" with somebody else. I have ideas, but the prospect scares me -- the getting to know each other because you're interested in each other romantically , the possible disappointment that could be faced from either side. It is all very frightening. I think it might be important that I view her just as a friend than as a possible girlfriend, because my nerves will ruin everything. However, if I treat her just as I would treat any friend, it's inevitable that it will seem as though I am not interested in her romantically, and I'm fairly sure that her possible interest will wane too. I don't think she is part...

I don't really know how I feel about where I am in life at the moment. I moved 300 miles away from home in order to go to university, and naturally this puts me in a different position to people who go to their home universities or universities in their region. For those people, home (i.e. the place where their old friends are, where their family is, and where their university, possessions, and new friends are) is all in one place, whereas for me home is split between two: "back home" and Edinburgh. My problem is I can't really tell where I am more solidly situated. Most of my stuff is in Edinburgh, but my mom and sister and the majority of my friends are in Birmingham. I spend most of my time in Edinburgh, although I still spend a significant amount of the year in Birmingham: this year it is split about 7 months Edinburgh, 5 months Birmingham. Everything that is considered what I "do" is situated in Edinburgh - my university, the philosophy society; Birmi...

There's a prevailing notion amongst people that there will come a time where they will "become the person they want to be" and that they simply have to work towards it. It seems like an innocuous enough idea, and I've actively been a proponent of it, claiming that we need ideals to which we can strive. However, my world view is slowly changing. For one, I realise now that it is somewhat detrimental to think about things as means to ends; you have to take each activity as an end in itself. To think about "the person you want to become" necessarily implies doing things as a means to an end (i.e. becoming that better person) and is incompatible with viewing each activity as an end in itself. Therefore, if we want to live a content and happy life, we can no longer think in terms of becoming who we want to be. What then can we think in terms of? You have to think in terms of what you like, and do that. If instead of thinking about the person you want to be, y...

I find it so difficult to talk about personal stuff in person. I find it difficult to express my own personal issues and also to listen to other people's issues. I don't have this problem in text, but I do in person. For some reason, the element of immediate communication makes personal problems instantly seem ridiculous to me, even the worse ones. To me it just seems like everybody over-reacts, that it doesn't matter, that we're all going to be okay (unless the problem at hand is something like permanent disfigurement or terminal illness... but then those problems are so disastrous and untameable that I wouldn't know what to say in person either). It's problematic because a large portion of sociability is just bitching about your problems to your friends, I've noticed, but it's rather difficult for me to do that (in person, at least). I prefer to mull my problems over in my head, or on my blog, or something. Apparently, to my friends, this makes me se...

did you ever think about the old man sitting in the back of the car? did you ever think about him, the old man I mean, sitting in the back of the car and in the front of the car are there are in the front of the car his children his children who he used, in his day, to drive around and they would sit in the back, but things have changed and now he is there, where they used to be and he moves from strong to weak where they have moved from weak to strong did you ever think about that? how f- how (freaky and scary) exciting bizarre amazing did you ever ride the coach and sit at the back did you ever sit at the back in your youth did you sit there at the back to stretch your legs and relax to unwind and unfurl your youth about you (I did) at the back is the coach's toilet, though and you learn something by sitting there, inundated in your sprawling youth you learn a terrible thing did you ever sit there deep in your youth and encounter over and over and over aga...