Love of Lights

I am tired. It is the end. It is 23:42 as I type this sentence, so it is very nearly the end of the day. Today also happened to be the end of my A Levels, which is most certainly the end of a significant epoch of my life. I won't proclaim with any certainty that A Levels are over and that I'm moving on, because I'm not entirely sure about how I did in my summer exams; I'm hoping I won't have to retake anything -- I would rather go to Clearing and find another course at a university other than Edinburgh, so long as I'm still able to do Philosophy as part of my degree. I really want this to be the end of A Levels. I truly do want to move on. I feel ready. I want to step out into the world, unprotected by my mother's house above me; I want to have a space of my own in another city, and I want to develop as a person. I want to be self-aware in the most beneficial way possible, i.e. not half as neurotic as I am now, I want to become more confident, continue in ...

I'm beginning to feel jittery, claustrophobic. This is probably because I haven't spoken with anyone outside of my family for over a week; I'm feeling closed in by my house, the walls of my room. I don't really know whether it is a personality flaw on my part that I apparently would sooner sit alone, devoid of friends' company, and feel like this than simply organise an outing, or whether the truth lies in the fact that I feel as though my friends don't want my company or perhaps I'm just not bothered enough to contact them, perhaps I'm just not good enough friends with them? There is also the issue that this is the week before our exams, so perhaps none of that has anything to do with it and people are just busy revising. But this has happened before, so it's not entirely just exam-related. I think, though, that it is a personality flaw of mine as opposed to an obvious reflection of my relationship with my friends. I'm never the one to sugge...