Love of Lights

In my previous post - The Stillbirth of My Relationship - I mentioned my doubts about the strength/existence of my potential love interest's love interest in me, and I was exactly right. It turned out she thought something had changed and it just didn't feel right anymore. She told me, if she could go back in time, she would. It's all rather silly. I suspect in a few weeks' time she will be in a relationship with some hot guy who is all political and activist-y. That's how these things tend to go. Oh well. So it turns out I'm entering into my 2nd year a "free agent", which is terrifying for two reasons: 1) For almost the past decade of my life, for every year I've been single, something interesting has happened romantically to me; and 2) That interesting romantic thing has ended with my pain 100% of the time. (I should add here, before I go on, that for my two college years, it did calm down a bit, but minor crushes did happen, one in particular...

It is the 13th of August, my 8th day back in Edinburgh -- I've only met N. once since coming back, and communication has been sparse. I'm fairly sure she's trying to squeeze me out in the kindest way she knows possible. I wouldn't have minded so much, only I went and got a tiny bit attached over the summer and expected a lot for coming back. Now I have to deal with this. I don't want to ask what she's playing at online; I want to get her in person, to see how she feels. I haven't done anything explicitly wrong; she must have just privately decided I'm not the guy for her. Which, of course, hurts, but what can I do about that? I only wish she'd say it forwardly instead of hinting at it with a lack of communication and not meeting up with me.

My problem is I warp my own memory. I'm addicted to this persona I've created for myself, that of the shy, slightly anxious, diffident boy, who is humble and wordy and pleasant and warm. Of course it's a nice image and evokes warm jumpers and boys bringing you tea and kissing you on the forehead, but why should I make this me when it depresses me? No, this is a bad habit and it needs to die! I will make those Mountain Goats lyrics my new mantra: "Die hard, die kicking, old habits of mine! Die hard!" I will murder this persona I have created. I will run a stake into its heart. I will become a new man. One who is unafraid speak up, to seek out, to do! To experience! I will do it. It will be hard -- for all I know, it may not even be me. I don't know who I am, but I've become too addicted to this diffident character I've created for myself, and he needs to go. Die hard! Die kicking!

Do you ever get this feeling that you're just so small and life is too great of a challenge for you? Not because you're particularly down and out -- no, your life could be worse and there are people worse off than you, but that's not the point. It's the menial but important things that overwhelm you, that you seem to be incapable of doing. You can't cook, you're shy, you eat at an uncomfortably slow pace, you get nervous about stupid things like sending emails, you fear asking people out, you have difficulty speaking your mind. I have no idea how to cure this affliction, because it comes in waves. Sometimes I am happy and feel great and confident, at other times I feel shitty and continuously embarrassed and useless. I feel like the latter is more frequent than the former, though, and grows more prominent as I grow older. I don't know; I think I'm being dramatic because I had a less than ideal 'date' with the girl I'm in an almost-thing w...

A thought in passing: there's nothing like a social site to send you deeper into a depression when you're already feeling sad and alone. It's horrible because your instinct, when lonely, is to go to these social sites and hope against hope that someone might reach out, but -- if at all your life is as tragic as mine -- they don't, and you end up just feeling unloved and watching other people be social in their lives. Long story short, I've moved back up to Edinburgh for my second year. I came back early so I could spend some time with a girl and perhaps catch some Fringe stuff. I've been here two days and the girl hasn't really attempted reconnaissance with me, and when I did, she was busy out with her friends. Basically I'm jealous and sad and lonely and have nobody else here really. My flatmates are away, so I'm in the flat alone. I'm probably just complaining too soon. She'll probably get back to me soon and hopefully we'll be fine...

One day I'm going to have to change the way I relate to the internet. The amount of time I spend on it is no way to live a life, but at the same time I realise I can't abandon it completely, because the internet constitutes a kind of second society, or a society-within-a-society, which makes you a kind of recluse if you don't participate. I don't want to be a recluse, but at the same time I don't like the idea of that second society growing too large and overwhelming what is commonly referred to as IRL. Recently I've been noticing how important IRL is to me. I've been feeling rather depressive on my own and invariably happier when I've been in the presence of friends. This is rather unusual for me because I have always fancied myself largely introverted and happy to communicate just through a textual medium for the most part, but I've come to realise it isn't that true. It tells me I should try harder to cultivate my relationships and create a ...