Love of Lights

it means a lot to me to be allowed to be intimate with you i am scared that i won't be accepted, and that i am defective, and that there is nothing desirable about me, so when you let me be intimate with you, you are putting to practice what my friends tell me in theory. it means a lot to me to be close to you, when i am i feel enveloped in the safety of another human being this is a closeness that is impossible with any other kind of relation or any other being when i am in the arms of you and you are in mine and we exchange bodily heat and we offer to each other the tastes of our own mouths, inside i feel a swirling, melted cyclone; i think that is what comfort feels like i want to explore the warm and quiet places with you we will push and curl and stretch and moan we will be embarrassed and we will be unsure but i hope that doesn't dissuade you or extinguish your adventurous spirit; it's the trial of explorers that we fumble and struggle; but we m...

I went to London yesterday and, because we have tentative plans to move to London post-uni, my friend desired that I write an account of how the city made me feel, and that is what this is. In 2013, the first you notice when you emerge from the train station at which you arrived (in my case Euston) is that London is much more intense than wherever you live (unless, perhaps, you live in New York City or some place in China or India). Now, I come from Birmingham, the second city, and spend a lot of time in Edinburgh (the capital of Scotland), so you'd expect I would be rightly prepared for the onslaught of sounds and the masses of people. As is often the case with expectations, you'd be wrong. London is its own place, and there is a massive leap from the bustle of Birmingham to the bustle of London. Sirens, engines, cars and their metallic bodies cutting through the London air, the collective chatter of the people -- all of this is unlike Birmingham, and certainly unlike Edinbu...

an unwise man once told me, "i don't believe in truth anymore if i'm being completely honest with you" i looked at him and i thought about how unwise what he had said was, but how beautiful. truth is a big concept, and i don't want to care for parts of it anymore i don't want to care for the truth that strokes the intellect i don't want to care about intellect i don't want to care for arguments i don't want to care about whose interpretation is more insightful and Famous-Intellectual-esque i just want to be i don't want to aim or impress i just want to be i want do what i like to do i want to be okay i want to meet a girl who will join me in not caring i don't want to care anymore i want to be unserious and flippant and frivolous and unintellectual i want to be creative and expressive and unintellectual i want to be loving and loved and unintellectual i want a girl to kiss and to fuck and with whom to view the world in...

It's difficult being a mortal creature: all time spent is time lost. You can only ever be doing a finite amount of things at a time, and you only have a finite amount of time to do them. This makes it infinitely important that you choose to spend your time wisely. When people say time is money, they mean time is a kind of currency,  that you wouldn't go throwing away valuable money, so you oughtn't go throwing away even more valuable time. There's no one "good/great" way to spend your time. This depends on the person. You have to know yourself and know what you want to do, and you have to spend your time doing that. If you let yourself get distracted from that, you're throwing good currency into a rapid river. Sometimes, however, there are things that are easier to do that make you feel as though you would prefer to be doing them, but it isn't the case. The things you want to do, the things that will give you more pleasure and fulfilment, they take ...

Sometimes I wish I was a rich kid living in uptown New York, so that it wouldn't be at all bizarre for me to have a therapist that I spill out to, that helps me gather my thoughts and problems. However, I'm not. I'm an English kid from a poor neighbourhood, which means therapy isn't even an afterthought to anyone -- therapy is only for the most deranged in the poor English community. Which leaves me with writing blogs, trying to sift through my emotions and feelings. I think I've noticed that I tend to want to suppress my emotions when I'm communicating with others directly, and I'm not sure how to get over that. I noticed when my friend asked me how it's going with that girl I met . I instantly didn't want to talk about it. I guess -- and I'm not sure because I've never been through it -- in therapy, a therapist might now ask: why did I feel that way? Why is it that I feel the need to shut off intimate discussion and conversation? I...