Love of Lights

Procrastination is a killer. It kills success and potential happiness. It is the perfect companion to anxiety. It is a symptom of fear. As I've increasingly grown more anxious in life, my procrastinatory tendencies have surged. Knowing that to do something now will serve me well, I put it off all the same. I'm doing it right now with the final edits of 3 essays I have to do for mid-January. Every day I don't work on them is a day of less research and less perfection, and yet I avoid checking my emails and the comments my professors have because of some kind of fear . Fear, really, is the main issue here. Fear really has a hold on me. I fear the most ridiculous things, the smallest things. I fear what people might think, which manifests itself in a thousand little avoidances and procrastinations. Don't get close to people, you'll come across as too needy. Don't post too much online, you'll come across as too attention-seeking, or people will see through th...

Over the past 5 years, I have unravelled as a person somewhat. Going into my first year of university, I recall being enthused, passionate, loving, and ambitious. I wanted to develop intellectually and personally; I wanted to build friendships and desperately find love; I wanted to perfect myself in the art of living -- perfect my intellect, perfect my sociability. Of course every 18 year old is an idealist if they haven't been truly broken yet. Up to that point, I had had terrible things happen to me from a personal point of view -- I had been moved around the world a couple of times, which meant being torn from friends in a heartbreaking way; I had witnessed the destruction of my mom and step father's marriage; I had loved deeply and unreciprocally. All these things cast wounds that turned to scars, but there is such thing as youthful perseverance, and I broke through it. I think these tough times planted the seeds of anxiety and depression in me, ready to blossom at a lat...