Teenager in Limbo

The sky churns eerily above the houses behind mine.

June is approaching, which means the 6th month of the year is approaching. Half the year has almost passed. I bring this up because the idea is bitter-sweet for me. Sweet because this drearily transient year is coming closer to an end; bitter because it highlights the transience of it all.

Sweet is the thought that it's only a year until I can escape the strong dependence that being (lawfully) a child burdens you with. Sweet is the image of entering a new city next year, meeting so many new people, becoming a better person -- one who does more, one who lives. However, sweet is also looking back over this half-year and spotting a few signs of personal development; sweet is getting a camera for my 17th birthday and watching my images improve; sweet is starting a new novel(la) that I'm proud of so far.

Bitter is how idle I've been. Bitter is not having written more of that novel(la). Bitter is stasis; bitter is not going out and experiencing; bitter is waiting. Bitter is not having full control of your own decisions; bitter is having to wait. Bitter is waiting because waiting is a lack of control. If you have control over your means and you truly desire to do something, there is absolutely no reason at all that you should wait -- do it, and do it now because life isn't long enough to wait about all the time. Bitter is not having control over your means; bitter breeds in waiting.

I feel like I'm in limbo: every fibre of my body longs to go out and experience, yet I have no alternative (short of running away, which I don't want to do because I desperately want to go to uni and I'm simply not ready for the lack of structure to which running away would inevitably lead) but to wait.

I just keep promising myself that I will make up for this epoch in limbo; next year, having freshly entered a new era, I will explore, join in, talk, compliment, opine, do.

I must half-apologise to my future-self for putting so much pressure on you, but you'll understand.

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