The Chapter that Dragged, or A Case Study into Weltschmerz

a picture I took of one my friends on a night I'm glad to have in my memory, but I just wish for many others like it


I have no life. It's saddening. My days, if not filled with college, are plagued with ennui. This period of my life frustrates me tremendously... I can't wait for next year, September. I need a new start, a new me -- a me that does more. For now, there is little to do, if I'm being entirely honest. My age, for one, restricts me from doing much; I'm not the richest boy in the world, so I can't lavishly spend the money I do have. Also, I don't have many friends. (Oh lord, it will be painfully embarrassing to read this back to myself in the future. I am a cliché: blogger blogs miserably about not having friends.)

I mean, I have friends, but I don't go out with any of them apart from when we do a large get-together. And those are fun, but I long for the kind of friendship where a small group of us can just go out somewhere, to a park, anything, and just lie down and talk, muse about the future, drink cheap wine or beer, whatever. I long for this kind of thing.

I've been unlucky with my secondary school, I suppose. I was unfortunate in that the two people I became closest with happened to be from families of a certain cultural background that is extremely restrictive when it comes to their children. And I did have a friend whose house I would go to on a regular basis with other friends, which was great,  but I still lacked the intimate connection with them that I long for now.

I left secondary school for sixth form college for many reasons. The most practical one being that it didn't offer all the courses I wanted to do. But there were others including: I wanted a fresh start, which was most definitely true, but not exactly clear. If we delve into that a bit more, the reasons are: I was getting over a girl who did not requite my love and I thought the most effective way to move on emotionally would be to move on physically too. I moved on to college and left her behind. It worked; I am romantically over her. Another reason was that I thought I would find a new group of friends that would fulfil this longing for something closer, but that has not happened. I don't know what it is that has put a metaphorical wall in between myself and close friends. I know my case isn't generalisable because I've seen others, who entered into college at the same time as me, make good friends and have parties and all that jazz.

I contend that it's my confidence. I've been striving to improve my confidence for a while now, and I think I'm succeeding, but perhaps if I were more confident initially, I'd have a group of closer friends by now. On the other hand, perhaps those people who have gone to parties and whatnot wouldn't consider each other close friends in the sense that I want it to mean... I just want people with whom I can have intelligent, interesting conversations, people with whom I can share my feelings as freely as possible, people who give me a life...

Anyway, I've given up on college to give me that. (I won't reject it if it does, but I've most certainly given up hoping that it will). Now I long for uni, where in my mind all those possibilities thrive. There will be thousands starting the next chapter of their lives (I think that's a mistake I made with starting college; it's not a new chapter of life, really, it's more a new scene in a chapter), my age won't restrict me with what I can do, though I will be the infamous "student-poor", I will have more money than I do nowadays, and I will be in a new city, with new opportunities, and much to explore. What's more, there should, I expect, be people at uni who are intelligent, who are interesting, who do have passions -- these people I hope to find, these people I hope to befriend closely... There is a section of my heart that beats with trepidation, that is protectively sceptical because it doesn't want to be upset and disappointed again... but the rest of it beats emphatically, excitedly, hopefully. We'll see!

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