By Now I Get The Gist Of Uni
I'm getting the perhaps unfortunate feeling that I now "get the gist" of university. The weeks are becoming repetitive, as are the events and even the social interactions. There is a finite category of ways to be intellectual, and everybody is a trope or caricature of at least one; everything is necessarily political, and again every political view is one strand of a finite selection of patterns. I am essentially excluded from the romantic playing field, unless some extraordinarily charitable girl takes pity on and enjoys taking pity on an awkward black boy, whose -- and this is on top of being awkward -- romantic interests are often more difficult to attain because tacit social structures make such combinations unlikely. N. was the last girl that took pity and she lasted 3 weeks tops, if you remove the 2 month summer period in which we were apart.
The work is interesting but uninspiring, which seems to be a result of making everything fit for academia. It's fun to go through the thought processes and I'm grateful for the endowment of critical thinking skills, but reading multiple different essays every week and then just moving on makes it feel like I'm going through the grind, doing it all as a means to some uncertain end, when I want to be doing it for its own sake.
Reading fiction and writing fiction make me happy; university is just a secondary pastime that has forced its way into precedence, on account of costing thousands of pounds and all.
Social relationships make me happy, but uni clumps everybody together in a weird way and I feel liked and respected, but unloved by anybody. I'm not sad; I just feel alone. They say it's okay to feel alone sometimes, but I'm not blaming myself in that way. I just dislike the feeling. I can survive and it's not a despondent loneliness; it's just a sense of feeling untethered and like you're floating through. I want to be connected to somebody. I want intimacy, physical intimacy.
I hope everything works out just fine and I get to do my year abroad next year. Edinburgh and my inner and wider social circle here are beginning to feel stale to me. It's not that I don't like them all very much; it's just that none of them provide the kind of connection I want to feel with someone, and that can make things feel a bit stagnant.
Love is all. Love sends an electrical current through everything; love provides daily life with a vital spirit. Without it, you experience the pure machinations of everything, and while you can appreciate them on an intellectual level, you lack a personal, inspired connection with them. But when love comes, a light is cast upon them all and though nothing but the introduction of love has changed, everything feels better.
I think that's what I'm missing here. I've used up my chances for love at uni, failed every time, and now I just "get the gist" of uni's machinations. I will naturally hold out though, for multiple reasons: 1) I can't quit on something I've already invested more than £18,000 on; 2) a big change is promised next year; and 3) who can tell whether love is on the horizon or not. I can't, so I'll stick with it.
Besides, it gives me something to do.
The work is interesting but uninspiring, which seems to be a result of making everything fit for academia. It's fun to go through the thought processes and I'm grateful for the endowment of critical thinking skills, but reading multiple different essays every week and then just moving on makes it feel like I'm going through the grind, doing it all as a means to some uncertain end, when I want to be doing it for its own sake.
Reading fiction and writing fiction make me happy; university is just a secondary pastime that has forced its way into precedence, on account of costing thousands of pounds and all.
Social relationships make me happy, but uni clumps everybody together in a weird way and I feel liked and respected, but unloved by anybody. I'm not sad; I just feel alone. They say it's okay to feel alone sometimes, but I'm not blaming myself in that way. I just dislike the feeling. I can survive and it's not a despondent loneliness; it's just a sense of feeling untethered and like you're floating through. I want to be connected to somebody. I want intimacy, physical intimacy.
I hope everything works out just fine and I get to do my year abroad next year. Edinburgh and my inner and wider social circle here are beginning to feel stale to me. It's not that I don't like them all very much; it's just that none of them provide the kind of connection I want to feel with someone, and that can make things feel a bit stagnant.
Love is all. Love sends an electrical current through everything; love provides daily life with a vital spirit. Without it, you experience the pure machinations of everything, and while you can appreciate them on an intellectual level, you lack a personal, inspired connection with them. But when love comes, a light is cast upon them all and though nothing but the introduction of love has changed, everything feels better.
I think that's what I'm missing here. I've used up my chances for love at uni, failed every time, and now I just "get the gist" of uni's machinations. I will naturally hold out though, for multiple reasons: 1) I can't quit on something I've already invested more than £18,000 on; 2) a big change is promised next year; and 3) who can tell whether love is on the horizon or not. I can't, so I'll stick with it.
Besides, it gives me something to do.
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