NAPG, part 2
Recent events have had me far more nervous than usual. It seems like sleep and brief moments of unthoughtfulness are the only respites against this burning sensation of anxiety within me. It seems rather uncalled for and over the top, but since that second night out with her (the her of the previous post), I have felt this way. And much more has happened since. We've been out twice, one time with more alcohol, the other time with less. The time with less alcohol naturally was more awkward, but I still enjoyed myself. I'm not sure if she did. The time with more alcohol, we kissed. I don't know where that puts us. I like it when she is near me.
However, the nerves have been furiously high. Eating is difficult and I've noticed a sharp decline in my quality of conversation with people. I am full of sighs because I don't know what she is thinking. I don't know whether she likes me.
I try to talk to her by Facebook, but she is often not online. She is not a regular internet presence, which is great for her, but terrible for me. Textual communication is my forte. I can be more honest and eloquent here, which then gives me confidence to be that way in person. Without it I have to find a way to be confident in those regards right away, and that is difficult.
I want to tell her that I like her and I'm nervous about all of this, that I'm not sure how to go about it, and that she shouldn't take signs of uncertainty as signs of disinterest, but I don't want to seem like I'm rushing anything either. We have only been interacting in a capacity that seems obviously different from friends for about a week now. I want to be around her, though.
The passions are a dangerous thing. I wish I lacked emotions, or that my knack for self-critique was less considerable. I envy those who go through life easy-hearted, with but a moderate level of self-awareness. I sometimes experience that, but mostly I don't.
I think she's better than me, but I think every girl I like is better than me. I think she needs more in a guy than I will provide, that I will love her and she will be wanting. I think this is a detrimental way to think, though, and that it will ruin my chances for romance ever, unless I sort it out. It's difficult to sort out, though.
It's summer soon and we will be parting ways for many months at a time. We won't talk because she appears not to be a regular internet presence, and I think I am bad at continued long-distance communication anyway. We will next see each other in August. Perhaps we will have grown apart, or perhaps we will pick back up from where we were. Perhaps my neuroses will have settled with distance. I hope so, but I doubt it.
This is difficult and I am absurd. I think I like her, though.
However, the nerves have been furiously high. Eating is difficult and I've noticed a sharp decline in my quality of conversation with people. I am full of sighs because I don't know what she is thinking. I don't know whether she likes me.
I try to talk to her by Facebook, but she is often not online. She is not a regular internet presence, which is great for her, but terrible for me. Textual communication is my forte. I can be more honest and eloquent here, which then gives me confidence to be that way in person. Without it I have to find a way to be confident in those regards right away, and that is difficult.
I want to tell her that I like her and I'm nervous about all of this, that I'm not sure how to go about it, and that she shouldn't take signs of uncertainty as signs of disinterest, but I don't want to seem like I'm rushing anything either. We have only been interacting in a capacity that seems obviously different from friends for about a week now. I want to be around her, though.
The passions are a dangerous thing. I wish I lacked emotions, or that my knack for self-critique was less considerable. I envy those who go through life easy-hearted, with but a moderate level of self-awareness. I sometimes experience that, but mostly I don't.
I think she's better than me, but I think every girl I like is better than me. I think she needs more in a guy than I will provide, that I will love her and she will be wanting. I think this is a detrimental way to think, though, and that it will ruin my chances for romance ever, unless I sort it out. It's difficult to sort out, though.
It's summer soon and we will be parting ways for many months at a time. We won't talk because she appears not to be a regular internet presence, and I think I am bad at continued long-distance communication anyway. We will next see each other in August. Perhaps we will have grown apart, or perhaps we will pick back up from where we were. Perhaps my neuroses will have settled with distance. I hope so, but I doubt it.
This is difficult and I am absurd. I think I like her, though.
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