On Passion
I've been thinking lately about passion. I've been thinking I need a passion. But what is passion and what does it take to have one?
I often find myself thinking, "I want to fall in love with someone again; I want that fiery feeling, that thought-consuming sensation that is related to someone who has swept you off your metaphorical feet", but on more careful contemplation, I think perhaps I actually seek passion in general. With love, you become passionate about somebody, but passion can be about things and activities and topics.
What is a passion?
Is passion that fiery, all-consuming sensation that one feels as in love? Maybe, maybe not. I would like to see passion as dedication squared. Like obsession, but minus the negativity of that phenomenon. If this is what passion is, then the fiery, all-consuming sensation need not necessarily be there, because dedication can be about discipline instead of about inspiration. I would like to see passion as based on dedication as opposed to that pernicious, mystic phenomenon we call inspiration. Inspiration is merely what we call motivation that can't be provided by yourself. I'm just not feeling inspired, we say. Inspiration is a code-word for "I don't want to put in the mental effort; I want chance to make me feel like doing it." How can we get anything done if we leave things to chance?
These are very serious criticisms that apply very much to me. My dedication is lacking. I have moderate amounts of dedication for things I like doing. I moderately dedicate myself to studying; I moderately dedicate myself to writing (moderately might even be over generous here); I moderately dedicate myself to reading. Where does this leave me? Unable to really say I've achieved anything, because achievement is a reward for the passionate only, not for the moderate. Of course, wisdom tells us to take everything in moderation, but we must remember that that means: even moderation. Sometimes, as in cases like these, if we wish to achieve, we must abandon the general principle of moderation and be passionate.
How does one develop a passion?
I have said this already, but with dedication. Dedication is little more than learning and repetition. I truly believe that anybody can produce brilliant novels if simply they read (to learn) and repeatedly write. Do not go a day without writing and you will produce a shitty novel in two months. But then begin another one, and you will produce a slightly better but probably still shitty one in another two months. Do it again and perhaps you will have something decent on your hands? This can also be done by producing many short stories if the novel form proves too difficult, but sooner or later you will have to attempt the larger form.
These thoughts scare me because I have a pernicious idea that the first novel I complete, upon revision, will be the first novel I publish. I don't like the idea of creating something that will never be seen. But this is foolish and such thinking gets in the way of developing passion. I need to create in spite of the perfectionist in me; I need to wastefully create. Yes, wastefully. Write ideas that I think are magnificent but by the end are patently shit and should probably be seen by nobody. Its shitness is a lesson. Learn and keep creating, keep wastefully creating.
I have some very deeply rooted notions about the novel I'm working on at the moment, a belief that it will be my first release and that it will put me on the map. It will be hard to get rid of this feeling, but I need to. My mission should merely to be create. I have a pact with a friend that binds us both to trying to get something sold by the year 2020. That is in 6 years. The first thing I fully create in 6 years doesn't have to be the thing that gets sold. It's much better to create and create and create, growing in quantity with the intention of growing in quality while I'm at it. Then by that 5th or 6th year, the nth thing I've created might actually be good.
I would like to make a brief aside that this applies to studying too. I need to develop a passion for studying too, but less so, because I've not yet decided on whether I desire a career in academia, whereas I have decided on being an author. Still, I would like the achievement of getting firsts at least while I'm at university. Of course, I'll be pleased with 2:1s, but I'm beginning to tire of being just good. I don't aim for genius, but I do want people's estimations of me to be somewhere in the realm of "better than average" or "notably competent". Again, not genius. I doubt I can work with the ferocity of David Foster Wallace or Wittgenstein or Bertrand Russell or Hume or Kant, but I want for other people to notice in me something I feel about myself personally: if I applied myself fully, I could be successful. Now a genius is one who applies themselves fully and is extraordinarily successful, and I don't aim for that. I am for two pegs below it: not applying and being successful, but having people understand that if I did, I could. This, I hasten to remind, is for academia. In authorship, I aim for the peg right below genius: applying myself and being successful (though I humbly admit of no guarantees). But yes, in academia, the peg below. And I think getting low firsts would be a good enough indication of that.
Developing passion, like anything important in life, is an art, and art takes thought and dedication.
This I aim to achieve in at least two spheres of my life: love and writing. When I feel I am slacking, I will return to this post and read these words.
I often find myself thinking, "I want to fall in love with someone again; I want that fiery feeling, that thought-consuming sensation that is related to someone who has swept you off your metaphorical feet", but on more careful contemplation, I think perhaps I actually seek passion in general. With love, you become passionate about somebody, but passion can be about things and activities and topics.
What is a passion?
Is passion that fiery, all-consuming sensation that one feels as in love? Maybe, maybe not. I would like to see passion as dedication squared. Like obsession, but minus the negativity of that phenomenon. If this is what passion is, then the fiery, all-consuming sensation need not necessarily be there, because dedication can be about discipline instead of about inspiration. I would like to see passion as based on dedication as opposed to that pernicious, mystic phenomenon we call inspiration. Inspiration is merely what we call motivation that can't be provided by yourself. I'm just not feeling inspired, we say. Inspiration is a code-word for "I don't want to put in the mental effort; I want chance to make me feel like doing it." How can we get anything done if we leave things to chance?
These are very serious criticisms that apply very much to me. My dedication is lacking. I have moderate amounts of dedication for things I like doing. I moderately dedicate myself to studying; I moderately dedicate myself to writing (moderately might even be over generous here); I moderately dedicate myself to reading. Where does this leave me? Unable to really say I've achieved anything, because achievement is a reward for the passionate only, not for the moderate. Of course, wisdom tells us to take everything in moderation, but we must remember that that means: even moderation. Sometimes, as in cases like these, if we wish to achieve, we must abandon the general principle of moderation and be passionate.
How does one develop a passion?
I have said this already, but with dedication. Dedication is little more than learning and repetition. I truly believe that anybody can produce brilliant novels if simply they read (to learn) and repeatedly write. Do not go a day without writing and you will produce a shitty novel in two months. But then begin another one, and you will produce a slightly better but probably still shitty one in another two months. Do it again and perhaps you will have something decent on your hands? This can also be done by producing many short stories if the novel form proves too difficult, but sooner or later you will have to attempt the larger form.
These thoughts scare me because I have a pernicious idea that the first novel I complete, upon revision, will be the first novel I publish. I don't like the idea of creating something that will never be seen. But this is foolish and such thinking gets in the way of developing passion. I need to create in spite of the perfectionist in me; I need to wastefully create. Yes, wastefully. Write ideas that I think are magnificent but by the end are patently shit and should probably be seen by nobody. Its shitness is a lesson. Learn and keep creating, keep wastefully creating.
I have some very deeply rooted notions about the novel I'm working on at the moment, a belief that it will be my first release and that it will put me on the map. It will be hard to get rid of this feeling, but I need to. My mission should merely to be create. I have a pact with a friend that binds us both to trying to get something sold by the year 2020. That is in 6 years. The first thing I fully create in 6 years doesn't have to be the thing that gets sold. It's much better to create and create and create, growing in quantity with the intention of growing in quality while I'm at it. Then by that 5th or 6th year, the nth thing I've created might actually be good.
I would like to make a brief aside that this applies to studying too. I need to develop a passion for studying too, but less so, because I've not yet decided on whether I desire a career in academia, whereas I have decided on being an author. Still, I would like the achievement of getting firsts at least while I'm at university. Of course, I'll be pleased with 2:1s, but I'm beginning to tire of being just good. I don't aim for genius, but I do want people's estimations of me to be somewhere in the realm of "better than average" or "notably competent". Again, not genius. I doubt I can work with the ferocity of David Foster Wallace or Wittgenstein or Bertrand Russell or Hume or Kant, but I want for other people to notice in me something I feel about myself personally: if I applied myself fully, I could be successful. Now a genius is one who applies themselves fully and is extraordinarily successful, and I don't aim for that. I am for two pegs below it: not applying and being successful, but having people understand that if I did, I could. This, I hasten to remind, is for academia. In authorship, I aim for the peg right below genius: applying myself and being successful (though I humbly admit of no guarantees). But yes, in academia, the peg below. And I think getting low firsts would be a good enough indication of that.
Developing passion, like anything important in life, is an art, and art takes thought and dedication.
This I aim to achieve in at least two spheres of my life: love and writing. When I feel I am slacking, I will return to this post and read these words.
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