Laying 2013 To Rest; Summoning 2014
On this here 4th of January, 2014, it seems to me about time I did my standard Reflexive Post on 2013, with the mandatory attendant forward-looking aspect.
So what of 2013? On the dying days of 2012, I wrote that I have almost no idea what 2013 would have in store for me, and I was right. There were two things mainly that came unexpected: firstly, I became president of my university's prestigious philosophy society, an office I still think I don't quite deserve but will persevere with. I guess that taught me that I am fundamentally individual, that I am not a team leader, per se. I wish for responsibility over my own actions only and not to take on the kind of responsibility that necessarily affects a wider group of people. If my actions happen to affect a wider group of people, as in writing a novel and effecting something that way, I wouldn't mind because it's an indirect consequence of an action that is fundamentally individual; but something like being a leader or boss, where the direct consequence is affecting other people, is not for me. I guess this was important to learn, anyway. Unless I change it, it essentially means I can get nowhere high in the job market unless it's self-employed or a relatively individual job, like being a novelist. The latter is the dream.
Secondly, I experienced my first semblance of requited romance. I guess from this I learnt that even if you're unsure at first, as long as there's something there, persist for a little while and see if it grows, for a relationship is not an all or nothing compatibility issue, but more like a seed that grows and may flourish or may wither. Mine withered, but that's fine, sometimes such things happen. That's the best way to think about it. Not all things grow strong and powerful; some die in the early stages. It happens. I think towards the end my lack of confidence might have transmuted from cute to boring to her, though, so there's probably a further lesson in this about confidence. Well, it's either that or there remains a mystery about why she eventually just didn't feel it anymore. Oh well.
What else about the year? I improved my academic ethic in philosophy but stayed stagnant in my other subjects, which gave me a shock when I failed a test in Italian. I overreacted at the time, but it's fine; it just means I'm human. I lost track and suffered the consequences; that's life. In any case, it's given me the much-needed push to improve across the board next semester.
So 2013, all in all, was quite eventful and taught me much. It was less emotionally turbulent than 2012, but still emotionally turbulent enough. I'm not 100% sure whether I've grown for the better or been broken down a bit, but I'll try in 2014 to rebuild myself from my ashes.
What, then, does 2014 have in store? It's quite a positive, exciting year in my estimation. Firstly, I will become a British citizen, which means more ease of travelling, something I have been waiting for for years now. Secondly, I will move to Italy in August, so inevitably there will be much to learn about myself and my place in the world at large.
Are there any resolution-type things I have for 2014? Well, yes, but not exactly clear goals as I normally do. Instead, personal guides:
So what of 2013? On the dying days of 2012, I wrote that I have almost no idea what 2013 would have in store for me, and I was right. There were two things mainly that came unexpected: firstly, I became president of my university's prestigious philosophy society, an office I still think I don't quite deserve but will persevere with. I guess that taught me that I am fundamentally individual, that I am not a team leader, per se. I wish for responsibility over my own actions only and not to take on the kind of responsibility that necessarily affects a wider group of people. If my actions happen to affect a wider group of people, as in writing a novel and effecting something that way, I wouldn't mind because it's an indirect consequence of an action that is fundamentally individual; but something like being a leader or boss, where the direct consequence is affecting other people, is not for me. I guess this was important to learn, anyway. Unless I change it, it essentially means I can get nowhere high in the job market unless it's self-employed or a relatively individual job, like being a novelist. The latter is the dream.
Secondly, I experienced my first semblance of requited romance. I guess from this I learnt that even if you're unsure at first, as long as there's something there, persist for a little while and see if it grows, for a relationship is not an all or nothing compatibility issue, but more like a seed that grows and may flourish or may wither. Mine withered, but that's fine, sometimes such things happen. That's the best way to think about it. Not all things grow strong and powerful; some die in the early stages. It happens. I think towards the end my lack of confidence might have transmuted from cute to boring to her, though, so there's probably a further lesson in this about confidence. Well, it's either that or there remains a mystery about why she eventually just didn't feel it anymore. Oh well.
What else about the year? I improved my academic ethic in philosophy but stayed stagnant in my other subjects, which gave me a shock when I failed a test in Italian. I overreacted at the time, but it's fine; it just means I'm human. I lost track and suffered the consequences; that's life. In any case, it's given me the much-needed push to improve across the board next semester.
So 2013, all in all, was quite eventful and taught me much. It was less emotionally turbulent than 2012, but still emotionally turbulent enough. I'm not 100% sure whether I've grown for the better or been broken down a bit, but I'll try in 2014 to rebuild myself from my ashes.
What, then, does 2014 have in store? It's quite a positive, exciting year in my estimation. Firstly, I will become a British citizen, which means more ease of travelling, something I have been waiting for for years now. Secondly, I will move to Italy in August, so inevitably there will be much to learn about myself and my place in the world at large.
Are there any resolution-type things I have for 2014? Well, yes, but not exactly clear goals as I normally do. Instead, personal guides:
- Be not afraid to speak up. You may not be the most intelligent or knowledgeable in any given group, but don't let that stop you from engaging with life and experiencing various kinds of interaction.
- Realise now that desire is layered and can come in two types. You can have general or long-term desires and specific or short-term desires. To achieve long-term desires, there are certain short-term things you have to do, but sometimes your short-term desires won't match up to them, so you won't feel like doing that which carries you towards your long-term goal. That is, you want to become a better writer, so you must read a lot and sit down and write. But at this moment you feel like watching some programme or just scrolling down Facebook. Or, you want to be a better student, but at this moment you don't feel like going to the library and revising. Again, it doesn't matter! Your short-term desires can be distracting and although they have to be satisfied sometimes so you're not completely miserable, you need to keep an eye on the long-term desires. So, write when you don't feel like it! Read fiction when you don't feel like it! (You'll usually get into it.) Study when you don't feel like it! Keep the long-term in mind; ignore short-term distractions.
- Try not to worry in too meta of a sense about how you are perceived. Yes, care about how you come across to a certain extent, but while you are in interaction, try to clear your mind of that stuff, because it's distracting and can make you quiet and unengaging, which you don't want. You want to live and breathe interactions. When you feel the temptation to refrain from doing something because of how you'll be perceived, instead focus on what you want to get out of doing that thing, keep focusing on that and do it. As discussed in a previous post, accept the consequences.
Comments
Post a Comment