The Erasmus Application Begins, and other life issues
Oh dear, I fear I might feel another dramatic post coming on. I'm feeling a mixture of useless and unloved at the present moment. Things seem just not to be going the way I'd like them to. I'm president of a society, a job I take little to no pleasure in; Erasmus applications start tomorrow and I'm worried my application for British Citizenship (which, although is in motion now, really should have been done ages ago, years ago, when I was much younger. I can't blame my mom because she has her reasons, but I still feel frustrated that it wasn't attempted much sooner instead now, at a critical stage) -- I'm worried that it will overlap with my Erasmus application in such a way that I won't have relevant documents at the right times and something will go wrong with one of them, either the Erasmus application or the Citizenship one, and both are extremely important to me for different reasons. I hope I'm just panicking prematurely and that it works out just fine in the end, but I can't be sure. I hate that governments have such a power on things like "where you can step foot or be on this planet that is your home just as much as anybody else's". Are we not all earthlings? Must the alien invasion or the rise of the robots first come before we realise this?
I think what happens with me is that when some other stressful event occurs in my life, it triggers an inferiority complex about love. I begin to think, it would be so much easier to deal with this if I had somebody, and because I don't it results in me feeling an extra element of sadness, solitude on top of stress, which is a great Cocktail of Low Feelings.
I have become distracted in writing this blog post, my thoughts haven't stayed perfectly pertinent, so I think I'll wrap it up prematurely. I guess I'll just add, in an attempt at resolution, that I should probably write a list of things I need to get clarified, things I need to do, and then do them so I don't feel as though this Erasmus/Citizenship dilemma is completely beyond my control. Doing all you can absolves you of blame.
As for love: what is there to do? I don't love anyone at the moment and all the girls that I could see myself crushing on either have boyfriends or (I get the vibe that they) wouldn't be interested in me. Also my self-esteem hasn't been at its greatest recently; it took a blow when N. ended what we had for reasons I will never truly know, but can only speculate on. In any case, subpar self-esteem makes even picking out which girls you like difficult, because if you feel you have no chance, you instantly douse even the beginning of any flame that ignites within you. I will get over all this soon enough, though.
Society presidential duties really must just be survived and persevered through. If I've learnt anything from this, it is that loving people doesn't necessarily make you a team player. I love people, but am not a team player. I prefer to be responsible solely for myself and the thing I care about directly, not in conjunction with many others. This is partly why I think writing is the best profession for me and why, if/when I find the right person, I hope we're not a socialite couple, but an intimate and private one. Of course not always, not hermetically secluded, but private for the most part.
In any case, that's all I have for now. Life is difficult, but we must figure something out.
I think what happens with me is that when some other stressful event occurs in my life, it triggers an inferiority complex about love. I begin to think, it would be so much easier to deal with this if I had somebody, and because I don't it results in me feeling an extra element of sadness, solitude on top of stress, which is a great Cocktail of Low Feelings.
I have become distracted in writing this blog post, my thoughts haven't stayed perfectly pertinent, so I think I'll wrap it up prematurely. I guess I'll just add, in an attempt at resolution, that I should probably write a list of things I need to get clarified, things I need to do, and then do them so I don't feel as though this Erasmus/Citizenship dilemma is completely beyond my control. Doing all you can absolves you of blame.
As for love: what is there to do? I don't love anyone at the moment and all the girls that I could see myself crushing on either have boyfriends or (I get the vibe that they) wouldn't be interested in me. Also my self-esteem hasn't been at its greatest recently; it took a blow when N. ended what we had for reasons I will never truly know, but can only speculate on. In any case, subpar self-esteem makes even picking out which girls you like difficult, because if you feel you have no chance, you instantly douse even the beginning of any flame that ignites within you. I will get over all this soon enough, though.
Society presidential duties really must just be survived and persevered through. If I've learnt anything from this, it is that loving people doesn't necessarily make you a team player. I love people, but am not a team player. I prefer to be responsible solely for myself and the thing I care about directly, not in conjunction with many others. This is partly why I think writing is the best profession for me and why, if/when I find the right person, I hope we're not a socialite couple, but an intimate and private one. Of course not always, not hermetically secluded, but private for the most part.
In any case, that's all I have for now. Life is difficult, but we must figure something out.
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