Friends and stuff
I'm beginning to feel jittery, claustrophobic. This is probably because I haven't spoken with anyone outside of my family for over a week; I'm feeling closed in by my house, the walls of my room. I don't really know whether it is a personality flaw on my part that I apparently would sooner sit alone, devoid of friends' company, and feel like this than simply organise an outing, or whether the truth lies in the fact that I feel as though my friends don't want my company or perhaps I'm just not bothered enough to contact them, perhaps I'm just not good enough friends with them?
There is also the issue that this is the week before our exams, so perhaps none of that has anything to do with it and people are just busy revising.
But this has happened before, so it's not entirely just exam-related. I think, though, that it is a personality flaw of mine as opposed to an obvious reflection of my relationship with my friends. I'm never the one to suggest an outing, and I should probably work on that. It's only my own fault if I end up alone in my room for a week.
Companionship is such a vital factor in happiness, and my sadness is born of my weakness in being a friend, not in my friends' weaknesses in being a friend. If, for example, I attempted to organise an outing and was consistently rejected, then that would be a fault of my friends, not mine, and I would probably have to consider finding new ones, but seeing as I never try to organise one, nobody but myself can be blamed.
I suppose the thing that stops me from trying to organise them usually is that I simply wouldn't know how to go about it. It's difficult with my circle of friends because the circle is so large and it's quite a challenge to decide which people would want to do the thing you have in mind, or which people you'd even want to do that thing with.
Having a large circle of average friends is a lot more difficult than having a small circle of close friends. I feel like my circle of friends at my old secondary school have unfortunately all become merely average friends, I don't feel a particularly close bond with any of them any more, but this is simply due to natural distancing, we haven't been able to maintain our connections by seeing each other often. It's a shame all the same.
And it's strange with my circle of friends at college... there's a weird dynamic. In regards to the people I usually hang around with in college, there are about 11, give or take a few depending on the day. Of those, however, four of them have created a kind of splinter cell of their own, and they organise their own outings, often at the exclusion of the rest of us. Then of the remaining 7, I am average friends with 6 of them, and I would say I'm only close friends with 1 of them.
The problem when you're only average friends with people is that organising an outing will always feel kind of awkward, because of the uncertainty of whether they'd want to go out. So, I guess, in a way, it turns out it isn't entirely just a personality flaw on my part, it is the dynamic of the friendships I have. But it's a bit of both. I still need to work on being able to organise outings, but at the same time, the fact that I'm only decently close with one of my friends doesn't really make it any easier for me.
There is also the issue that this is the week before our exams, so perhaps none of that has anything to do with it and people are just busy revising.
But this has happened before, so it's not entirely just exam-related. I think, though, that it is a personality flaw of mine as opposed to an obvious reflection of my relationship with my friends. I'm never the one to suggest an outing, and I should probably work on that. It's only my own fault if I end up alone in my room for a week.
Companionship is such a vital factor in happiness, and my sadness is born of my weakness in being a friend, not in my friends' weaknesses in being a friend. If, for example, I attempted to organise an outing and was consistently rejected, then that would be a fault of my friends, not mine, and I would probably have to consider finding new ones, but seeing as I never try to organise one, nobody but myself can be blamed.
I suppose the thing that stops me from trying to organise them usually is that I simply wouldn't know how to go about it. It's difficult with my circle of friends because the circle is so large and it's quite a challenge to decide which people would want to do the thing you have in mind, or which people you'd even want to do that thing with.
Having a large circle of average friends is a lot more difficult than having a small circle of close friends. I feel like my circle of friends at my old secondary school have unfortunately all become merely average friends, I don't feel a particularly close bond with any of them any more, but this is simply due to natural distancing, we haven't been able to maintain our connections by seeing each other often. It's a shame all the same.
And it's strange with my circle of friends at college... there's a weird dynamic. In regards to the people I usually hang around with in college, there are about 11, give or take a few depending on the day. Of those, however, four of them have created a kind of splinter cell of their own, and they organise their own outings, often at the exclusion of the rest of us. Then of the remaining 7, I am average friends with 6 of them, and I would say I'm only close friends with 1 of them.
The problem when you're only average friends with people is that organising an outing will always feel kind of awkward, because of the uncertainty of whether they'd want to go out. So, I guess, in a way, it turns out it isn't entirely just a personality flaw on my part, it is the dynamic of the friendships I have. But it's a bit of both. I still need to work on being able to organise outings, but at the same time, the fact that I'm only decently close with one of my friends doesn't really make it any easier for me.
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