Combating feelings of inferiority: I am smart, attractive, and interesting

Low self-esteem and its effects on my connection with others

In my ever-persistent pursuit of becoming less broken, today I want to write about the effects of low self-esteem. I want to talk about its origins, its purpose, and how to combat it. I can't revolutionise how I think about myself in one blog post, but it can be a start.

Where does my low self-esteem come from?

I've been reading a book today called "The Courage to Be Disliked". For the first 30 or so pages, I found myself rolling my eyes, discomforted by how trite and intellectually unrigorous it seemed. However, I read on, because it's quite an easy read and is presented in a very digestible dialogue format. As I read on, some interesting things came up. For example, the book talks about how a feeling of inferiority (i.e., low self-esteem) comes from subjective interpretations of features of yourself. It sounds obvious, but it's worth remembering. Your opinion about yourself is not an objective fact; it's a subjective take on features of yourself. The fictional "philosopher" in the book uses the following example: he used to feel feelings of inferiority about being short -- one feels less commanding, less attractive, less revered -- but with a switch of interpretation, he was able to think of his diminutive height as feeling less imposing and comforting to people.  The feeling of inferiority disappeared when he changed his subjective take.

So the book contains the idea that we are the masters of how we think about ourselves. We tend, the idea goes, to hold onto feelings of inferiority in order to save ourselves from having to take courage and put ourselves in emotional danger. We tell ourselves things like, "I'm too short, so I won't be taken seriously" in order to avoid trying to be taken seriously in the first place.

How does this apply to me? According to this theory, I think negatively about myself in order to save myself from having to do difficult things. I use my low self-esteem as an excuse to hide away and not face the music.

This resonates with me. I don't think I do it consciously, but on a more buried level, I probably think of myself negatively as a defence mechanism. My brain tells me, "You're not smart or eloquent enough to contribute, so don't bother" so that I don't have to do the brave work of contributing. My brain tells me, "You're not attractive by European standards, so dating will be harder for you. Lie low." This is so that I don't have to do the fearsome work of initiating a romantic pursuit.

But where I part from the Adlerian psychology espoused in the book is here: I don't think you can isolate this defence-mechanism, inferiority-complex way of thinking from its causes. It doesn't exist on its own. It's not an entirely free choice. It was caused by something. In my case, it's been caused by a series of traumas related to rejection and separation. I probably also have a natural higher sensitivity to being rejected, but I can't realistically confirm whether this has always existed or whether it was caused by something along the way.

But just because it has a cause, it doesn't mean I'm consigned to have low self-esteem forever. The book is right: it's a subjective take, and I can try to view myself differently. Which I will try to do now.

Trying to view myself more positively

I am smart

The truth is, I'm smart. You don't have to be the smartest in the room to be smart. In fact, you can even be the dumbest in the room and still be smart. Sometimes you're just in really smart rooms. I am smart. I should own this. I need to stop comparing myself to others and accept that I am smart. I've got a masters degree from a good uni with a good grade. I am smart. 

It's okay to get things wrong. Part of being smart is contributing and learning. I can hold my own in conversation. Just take it slow and make your point clearly. If people don't get it, rephrase. The important thing is to be part of the conversation, or you won't grow. People won't notice you, you'll be isolated, and remain stunted. So, contribute. And remember, you deserve a spot in the room as much as anybody else. You've done a masters, for fuck's sake!

I am attractive

Of course this subjective, but people have told you countless times that you have model-like features. Yes, you have darker skin, kinkier hair, and you're skinny, but these things aren't inherently negative. 

Your dark skin is smooth and hides skin problems really well. It protects you that little more from UV-related skin cancers. In Europe, it's different, but different isn't always bad. Black people are often thought to be cool (in potentially problematic ways). You're not cool, but know that there are some positive preconceptions.

Sure, it's easy to be jealous of other people's flowing hair. You know lots of girls like that. You can never have that, unless you chemically straighten your hair, which will just seem unnatural. But you look sharp with certain hair cuts. And because people are used to seeing you with short hair, you don't have to worry about the age when we all start balding. You'll have been wearing your hair short forever. Again, different isn't always bad. Love your kinky hair. It's a symbol of your roots.

You're skinny, but plenty of people are skinny and attractive. Of course, if you want to, you could work on bulking up. But skinny works with a cool, nerd aesthetic. I think I have that going on. (NB: I notice I've changed pronoun from here on out; live with it). I could try harder, though. Maybe I need to try harder with my fashion sense, to complement my natural physique.

I have a fairly attractive face. My smile is sweet. I've been told I have kind eyes. Again, I might not be the most attractive person in the room, but I should use these things to give myself a boost.

I have an interesting personality

People tell me I'm eloquent and seem confident. I am always shocked at this. I often feel like a babbling buffoon and a bag of nerves. I need to remind myself I don't come off this way. I just need to not think about myself and focus outwards. My natural disposition does not match the way I feel about myself, so I should focus outwards. If I must reflect inwards, just remember: I am smart, attractive, and seem more interesting than I think I am.

Parting words

There are probably some things I could do to boost myself self-esteem further. I think shifting your subjective interpretation is only one part, and even that is probably a protracted battle. The other part involves action. I need to do more things that make me feel more estimable. For now, I'll reflect on some things that I currently do that are impressive. But I need to do more.

• I got a paid internship in a writing-related field. That's interesting. This will set me up for future jobs. Although I feel like it's a low position now, it's actually a good foot into the working world.
• I rent a 1 bedroom apartment in London. That's interesting.
• I read interesting books. I just need to be less afraid of talking about them.
• I used to write, which was interesting. I don't do this so much any more.

On the action front, my list runs pretty dry. I need to do more interesting things. Perhaps that's my next target. Find hobbies.