To Ward Off The Dark Things
Self-efficacy is a concept in behavioural psychology that basically describes one's belief in oneself. Yeah, it sounds lame and clichéd, but this is something that people have attempted to scientifically study and have patterns and explanations about. Basically, high self-efficacy means you have a "can-do" spirit; low self-efficacy means you doubt your ability to achieve your goals.
I've fluctuated in levels of self-efficacy throughout my life. As a child, I believe I've had extremely high levels of self-efficacy: I can and will be an author, I can and will get into x university, I can and will be one of the smartest in my class, etc. etc. One of the key features of self-efficacy is that having it affects outcomes. In other words, psychology has shown: if you believe you can do it, you have a higher chance of successfully doing it. Isn't that crazy? One aspect of success is literally self-fulfilling your own prophesies.
Over the past few years, I've had blows to my self-esteem, which in turn have shaken my belief in my own efficacy, which in turn heightens my neuroses. It's an interconnected web that we have to be careful to keep an eye on. While I've had many challenges to my self-esteem -- from a fall out with a girl I loved with full passion, from a radical failure to meet my own expectations on my year abroad, to most recently losing two of my closest friends due to some bad drunken decisions -- I am aware deep down that I value my life, I try my best to be reasonable and own up to mistakes, and that I'm fundamentally grudge-less and understanding/empathetic. With those core concepts, I can establish a sense of self that, so long as I remember these things are true of me, can take a few knocks. If somebody hates me, I shouldn't question my self-worth, but rather I should use empathic skills to look at things from their point of view and do my best to make amends where amends are possible. If no amends are possible, should I then destroy my sense of self-worth because I've clearly done something unforgivable? Some would think so, but I know my intentions, my beliefs, my values more intimately than anybody else can -- even those I've trusted with the grace of full honesty. They can be mistaken about me, but I'm far less likely to be mistaken about myself, so I need to trust myself and see that I have worth, even when people I have been close with deny me such propositions.
I need to re-affirm my self-worth, rebuild my self-esteem, and thereby strengthen my self-efficacy (which, hopefully, in turn leads to a higher chance of success in life). So here are some self-affirmations to ward off the dark things:
1) I am fundamentally empathic -- I try to understand the views of others to the best of my ability; it forms a core aspect of who I am. I'm not perfectly empathetic -- who is? But I try very hard, and it kills me when I fail. This shows I care. I'm a vegetarian for Christ's sake -- because I feel empathy with animals. Being empathic is the closest thing we have to what people have called "the moral good", and I strive towards that always.
2) I am, like, genuinely intelligent -- I have been accepted into every university I have applied to to date, I almost always achieve good grades, and I can hold my own in discussion with people who went to the most elite schools in the Europe: Oxford and Cambridge. I understand new concepts presented to me, and I have a naturally thorough-going mind. Even if I don't believe it sometimes, I have a good chance at becoming an academic in philosophy. I have shown sparks of brilliance at undergraduate (84 grade, 76 grade [British marking]), and I show good competence in conversation. I just need to focus and apply myself, basically! Platitudes are often true in the most annoying of ways: practice makes perfect.
3) I am a likeable dude -- this is connected to no. 1; I do my best to be empathetic, and it usually shows in discussion, and folks like me. I often destroy friendships in their infancy with my neuroses and fear of getting close, but hey, this post is an exercise in hopefully fighting the core of that.
4) I am attractive -- this is obviously ultimately a subjective claim, but all the more reason to self-affirm it! It's very easy to slip into subjectively deciding you're ugly, but I've been told on multiple occasions by people that I am attractive, and I do catch what they mean sometimes at the right angles in pictures and in mirrors. Black can be beautiful. Or in the immortal words of Kendrick Lamar: black don't crack, my nigga.
5) I am curious -- sometimes I feel the fear and it holds me back, but an attractive quality in myself is my willingness to explore and find things out. Anxiety has risen in my life over the past few years, so it's been a struggle to maintain the same wide-eyed curiosity I had at 16-18, but it's still there in me, and when I tap into it, I will stumble onto new and interesting things. New and interesting places, and experiences. I need to maintain my curiosity -- cultivate it. But it's in me, and that's part of my self-worth.
I'll stop there because I need to go and do some more reading for my soon-due essay drafts. I don't know if I feel the things I've written here powerfully to my core, but presenting them to myself is at least a step in the right direction, to try to combat outlandish depressive thoughts and try to become the better me I know that's in there somewhere.
I've fluctuated in levels of self-efficacy throughout my life. As a child, I believe I've had extremely high levels of self-efficacy: I can and will be an author, I can and will get into x university, I can and will be one of the smartest in my class, etc. etc. One of the key features of self-efficacy is that having it affects outcomes. In other words, psychology has shown: if you believe you can do it, you have a higher chance of successfully doing it. Isn't that crazy? One aspect of success is literally self-fulfilling your own prophesies.
Over the past few years, I've had blows to my self-esteem, which in turn have shaken my belief in my own efficacy, which in turn heightens my neuroses. It's an interconnected web that we have to be careful to keep an eye on. While I've had many challenges to my self-esteem -- from a fall out with a girl I loved with full passion, from a radical failure to meet my own expectations on my year abroad, to most recently losing two of my closest friends due to some bad drunken decisions -- I am aware deep down that I value my life, I try my best to be reasonable and own up to mistakes, and that I'm fundamentally grudge-less and understanding/empathetic. With those core concepts, I can establish a sense of self that, so long as I remember these things are true of me, can take a few knocks. If somebody hates me, I shouldn't question my self-worth, but rather I should use empathic skills to look at things from their point of view and do my best to make amends where amends are possible. If no amends are possible, should I then destroy my sense of self-worth because I've clearly done something unforgivable? Some would think so, but I know my intentions, my beliefs, my values more intimately than anybody else can -- even those I've trusted with the grace of full honesty. They can be mistaken about me, but I'm far less likely to be mistaken about myself, so I need to trust myself and see that I have worth, even when people I have been close with deny me such propositions.
I need to re-affirm my self-worth, rebuild my self-esteem, and thereby strengthen my self-efficacy (which, hopefully, in turn leads to a higher chance of success in life). So here are some self-affirmations to ward off the dark things:
1) I am fundamentally empathic -- I try to understand the views of others to the best of my ability; it forms a core aspect of who I am. I'm not perfectly empathetic -- who is? But I try very hard, and it kills me when I fail. This shows I care. I'm a vegetarian for Christ's sake -- because I feel empathy with animals. Being empathic is the closest thing we have to what people have called "the moral good", and I strive towards that always.
2) I am, like, genuinely intelligent -- I have been accepted into every university I have applied to to date, I almost always achieve good grades, and I can hold my own in discussion with people who went to the most elite schools in the Europe: Oxford and Cambridge. I understand new concepts presented to me, and I have a naturally thorough-going mind. Even if I don't believe it sometimes, I have a good chance at becoming an academic in philosophy. I have shown sparks of brilliance at undergraduate (84 grade, 76 grade [British marking]), and I show good competence in conversation. I just need to focus and apply myself, basically! Platitudes are often true in the most annoying of ways: practice makes perfect.
3) I am a likeable dude -- this is connected to no. 1; I do my best to be empathetic, and it usually shows in discussion, and folks like me. I often destroy friendships in their infancy with my neuroses and fear of getting close, but hey, this post is an exercise in hopefully fighting the core of that.
4) I am attractive -- this is obviously ultimately a subjective claim, but all the more reason to self-affirm it! It's very easy to slip into subjectively deciding you're ugly, but I've been told on multiple occasions by people that I am attractive, and I do catch what they mean sometimes at the right angles in pictures and in mirrors. Black can be beautiful. Or in the immortal words of Kendrick Lamar: black don't crack, my nigga.
5) I am curious -- sometimes I feel the fear and it holds me back, but an attractive quality in myself is my willingness to explore and find things out. Anxiety has risen in my life over the past few years, so it's been a struggle to maintain the same wide-eyed curiosity I had at 16-18, but it's still there in me, and when I tap into it, I will stumble onto new and interesting things. New and interesting places, and experiences. I need to maintain my curiosity -- cultivate it. But it's in me, and that's part of my self-worth.
I'll stop there because I need to go and do some more reading for my soon-due essay drafts. I don't know if I feel the things I've written here powerfully to my core, but presenting them to myself is at least a step in the right direction, to try to combat outlandish depressive thoughts and try to become the better me I know that's in there somewhere.
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