An Ugly State of Being, or Towards Improvement In Two Areas
Hello, blog,
it's been a while. The last time I wrote here was a week after I had done my last exam, and now I'm almost half a month away from beginning my masters course in philosophy. I snagged the grade I needed to -- I did all right. However, I won't lie, not everything is dandy. There are difficult times ahead. Frankly, this is the first time I'm going into a year of independence with no real clue about how my finances are going to work themselves out. I'm setting myself up for some difficult times, and perhaps I haven't been the wisest in the way I've decided to delve into this. I know of another friend that got a job for a year and has picked up a masters and is doing that part time as she works on the side: a much more fiscally responsible tactic. However, I was scared and anxious to plough on with life and had no other options really. I've never held down a job, so I have no experience in any field, and there is nothing I want to do except think and write about things. I know that that's so self-indulgent and such a privileged desire to have, but by god, if I can get away with it, I will live it. Is that not the point of being part of an advanced and developed nation? Some section of the population can exist for the sake of art and contemplation, and the nation can afford to indulge in that. Of course, these areas are over-subscribed and low-paying, so it's dubious as to whether I'll have any real success, and I may eventually find myself forced to do some other job to subsidise my dreams, but I'll get to that when I get to that. In any case, the year coming is going to be tough, and it will take much mental grit -- which brings me onto the subject of today's post. I need to get back on the path of self-perfection, self-betterment. I've fallen off and become a jaded person, and I want to change this, so this begins today, with some ruminations in this post.
Over the past few years, I've struggled with increasing internal warfare. Each year of uni seemed to present a new blow that served to knock at my optimism and flair for life. My third and fourth year were like back-to-back atom bombs in this internal warfare, leaving me a generally more anxious and more broken guy. I'm still debating seeking medical help, but I think I will put it off unless I reach another breaking point, or I find my anxieties are preventing me from developing in the way I would like. So instead of seeking professional help, I want to return to improving myself, like I would do when I was younger. I would constantly seek ways to improve who I am, contemplate my deficiencies and what to do about them. These days I've been avoidant and somewhat self-pitying: an ugly state of being. Well, what do I want to do about it? Let's break this down.
Productivity
I am happy when I am doing something productive, and unhappy when I am not. It's really as simple as that. So it's a great wonder as to why I don't do productive things more often. It's a bizarre problem. What happens to me is I get complacent after the tiniest bit of productivity, and then follow that up with reams and reams of no productivity, until I feel terrible again. Why can't I just start, and go consistently? What is it? Is it a fear? My best guess is that I'm afraid of doing poorly, so subconsciously I avoid doing the hardwork of craft and understanding. But another part of me knows that can't be entirely it. Another part of me knows that it's simply a psychology thing. Short-term pleasures which don't make me feel happy, but distract me minute-by-minute, are much easier to consume in massive quantities than tasks that work towards my long-term happiness, but are sometimes tedious or difficult. I might feel much better after having read a book, but it's much easier to watch a youtube video. I might feel much better after having written a chapter of my novel, but it's much more immediately thrilling to write a Facebook status. This has been a problem of mine for many years now. There is an ebb and flow in me of love and disdain for the internet. It provides many great opportunities for connections, but many opportunities for simple pleasures and easy distractions. I think I'm addicted to the easy pleasures afforded to me by the internet, and I know I need to use it less in general. I suppose I'm talking more specifically about new media -- social media and online video -- than just the internet in general. But all the same, I need a cutdown. Perhaps I should conduct an experiment with myself. For the week, perhaps I should attempt to only allow myself to use the internet and new media from the hours of 7 am - 10 am, and 9 pm - 12 am. That's 6 hours in the day. The reason for the morning hours in particular is that they might encourage me to get up earlier if I want to be awake for the period of available activity. The reason for the night hours are so that if I am not asleep by midnight, I don't have the internet to keep me up with its infinte minute-by-minute easy pleasures. Instead, if I am to stay awake, I have to contend with something more substantial, like a book or writing.
I think my greatest fear regarding cutting the internet significantly out of my life, however, is loneliness. It's the principal way I connect with my friends, which brings me onto the next aspect of how I want to see myself improve.
Friendship
I don't consider myself a bad friend, but beyond a select few, I'm not a very communicative friend, outside of group events. It seems to me that this results in me being less close to other members of my friendship groups than others are to each other. Of course, this makes me sad, and it's one of my greatest struggles because it comes into combat with a part of me that I think is actually indicative of problems I have with social anxiety. I find it immensely difficult to initiate correspondences and to keep them strong. I do wonder if this is because I view initiating correspondences as an action that ends in getting something, desiring something, and I rarely want anything from anybody, so I don't really see what sense there would be in initiating correspondence. I am aware that that would be a fallacious way to think if that is my reason. Sometimes it's okay to just send a message for a brief chat, to sort of top up on your connection with somebody, to reinforce it a little. But this is where the anxiety comes in. I think I imagine that either nobody would want that kind of message from me, that I'm boring them somehow, disappointing them, or that people might perceive that kind of activity suspiciously. I know I shouldn't, but it's an easy way of thinking to fall into for me, and it's easy to feel the attendant feelings of fear or nervousness with just striking up convo with somebody. I just feel sad that I'm not so close with others as others seem to be with each other. I'm trying to think of one practical thing I can do at the end of each of these segments to try to ameliorate the issue. This one is more difficult, because it feels weird to say something like "I'll start messaging random friends more often in the next week". I suppose that's not such a bizarre task, but my anxiety makes me feel like it is, and I feel like I won't do well if I make that the task. Instead I'll do the thing one shouldn't do, but I'll postpone this one a little. I'll postpone it for when I start my masters and I begin to meet new people. Then I'll make it a mission to not be afraid to spark up correspondences and strengthen friendships. I guess a more immediate goal can be to respond to a certain message I've left hanging in my inbox right now.
~*~
Those are the two main things I want to talk about today. Of course there are many more areas of self-improvement I can work on, but those are the two I'm going to content myself with contemplating today. It's getting late, and I'm outside of my designated internet hours if I'm starting from today-- but I'll be kind to myself as say starting from today when I wake up, rather than right now.
In any case, onwards with the show. In one week's time, so this Thursday coming, I will report back with how my Operation Limitation went (I'm going with that now). Okay, until then, onwards, onwards.
--
A postscript caveat: for Operation Limitation, outside of the designated hours, I will allow myself to communicate on my phone through Facebook messenger if I'm contacted, because Facebook messenger frankly is like the new texting. What I won't do is branch out by clicking links or falling into other easy-pleasure internet traps. Communication only.
it's been a while. The last time I wrote here was a week after I had done my last exam, and now I'm almost half a month away from beginning my masters course in philosophy. I snagged the grade I needed to -- I did all right. However, I won't lie, not everything is dandy. There are difficult times ahead. Frankly, this is the first time I'm going into a year of independence with no real clue about how my finances are going to work themselves out. I'm setting myself up for some difficult times, and perhaps I haven't been the wisest in the way I've decided to delve into this. I know of another friend that got a job for a year and has picked up a masters and is doing that part time as she works on the side: a much more fiscally responsible tactic. However, I was scared and anxious to plough on with life and had no other options really. I've never held down a job, so I have no experience in any field, and there is nothing I want to do except think and write about things. I know that that's so self-indulgent and such a privileged desire to have, but by god, if I can get away with it, I will live it. Is that not the point of being part of an advanced and developed nation? Some section of the population can exist for the sake of art and contemplation, and the nation can afford to indulge in that. Of course, these areas are over-subscribed and low-paying, so it's dubious as to whether I'll have any real success, and I may eventually find myself forced to do some other job to subsidise my dreams, but I'll get to that when I get to that. In any case, the year coming is going to be tough, and it will take much mental grit -- which brings me onto the subject of today's post. I need to get back on the path of self-perfection, self-betterment. I've fallen off and become a jaded person, and I want to change this, so this begins today, with some ruminations in this post.
Over the past few years, I've struggled with increasing internal warfare. Each year of uni seemed to present a new blow that served to knock at my optimism and flair for life. My third and fourth year were like back-to-back atom bombs in this internal warfare, leaving me a generally more anxious and more broken guy. I'm still debating seeking medical help, but I think I will put it off unless I reach another breaking point, or I find my anxieties are preventing me from developing in the way I would like. So instead of seeking professional help, I want to return to improving myself, like I would do when I was younger. I would constantly seek ways to improve who I am, contemplate my deficiencies and what to do about them. These days I've been avoidant and somewhat self-pitying: an ugly state of being. Well, what do I want to do about it? Let's break this down.
Productivity
I am happy when I am doing something productive, and unhappy when I am not. It's really as simple as that. So it's a great wonder as to why I don't do productive things more often. It's a bizarre problem. What happens to me is I get complacent after the tiniest bit of productivity, and then follow that up with reams and reams of no productivity, until I feel terrible again. Why can't I just start, and go consistently? What is it? Is it a fear? My best guess is that I'm afraid of doing poorly, so subconsciously I avoid doing the hardwork of craft and understanding. But another part of me knows that can't be entirely it. Another part of me knows that it's simply a psychology thing. Short-term pleasures which don't make me feel happy, but distract me minute-by-minute, are much easier to consume in massive quantities than tasks that work towards my long-term happiness, but are sometimes tedious or difficult. I might feel much better after having read a book, but it's much easier to watch a youtube video. I might feel much better after having written a chapter of my novel, but it's much more immediately thrilling to write a Facebook status. This has been a problem of mine for many years now. There is an ebb and flow in me of love and disdain for the internet. It provides many great opportunities for connections, but many opportunities for simple pleasures and easy distractions. I think I'm addicted to the easy pleasures afforded to me by the internet, and I know I need to use it less in general. I suppose I'm talking more specifically about new media -- social media and online video -- than just the internet in general. But all the same, I need a cutdown. Perhaps I should conduct an experiment with myself. For the week, perhaps I should attempt to only allow myself to use the internet and new media from the hours of 7 am - 10 am, and 9 pm - 12 am. That's 6 hours in the day. The reason for the morning hours in particular is that they might encourage me to get up earlier if I want to be awake for the period of available activity. The reason for the night hours are so that if I am not asleep by midnight, I don't have the internet to keep me up with its infinte minute-by-minute easy pleasures. Instead, if I am to stay awake, I have to contend with something more substantial, like a book or writing.
I think my greatest fear regarding cutting the internet significantly out of my life, however, is loneliness. It's the principal way I connect with my friends, which brings me onto the next aspect of how I want to see myself improve.
Friendship
I don't consider myself a bad friend, but beyond a select few, I'm not a very communicative friend, outside of group events. It seems to me that this results in me being less close to other members of my friendship groups than others are to each other. Of course, this makes me sad, and it's one of my greatest struggles because it comes into combat with a part of me that I think is actually indicative of problems I have with social anxiety. I find it immensely difficult to initiate correspondences and to keep them strong. I do wonder if this is because I view initiating correspondences as an action that ends in getting something, desiring something, and I rarely want anything from anybody, so I don't really see what sense there would be in initiating correspondence. I am aware that that would be a fallacious way to think if that is my reason. Sometimes it's okay to just send a message for a brief chat, to sort of top up on your connection with somebody, to reinforce it a little. But this is where the anxiety comes in. I think I imagine that either nobody would want that kind of message from me, that I'm boring them somehow, disappointing them, or that people might perceive that kind of activity suspiciously. I know I shouldn't, but it's an easy way of thinking to fall into for me, and it's easy to feel the attendant feelings of fear or nervousness with just striking up convo with somebody. I just feel sad that I'm not so close with others as others seem to be with each other. I'm trying to think of one practical thing I can do at the end of each of these segments to try to ameliorate the issue. This one is more difficult, because it feels weird to say something like "I'll start messaging random friends more often in the next week". I suppose that's not such a bizarre task, but my anxiety makes me feel like it is, and I feel like I won't do well if I make that the task. Instead I'll do the thing one shouldn't do, but I'll postpone this one a little. I'll postpone it for when I start my masters and I begin to meet new people. Then I'll make it a mission to not be afraid to spark up correspondences and strengthen friendships. I guess a more immediate goal can be to respond to a certain message I've left hanging in my inbox right now.
~*~
Those are the two main things I want to talk about today. Of course there are many more areas of self-improvement I can work on, but those are the two I'm going to content myself with contemplating today. It's getting late, and I'm outside of my designated internet hours if I'm starting from today-- but I'll be kind to myself as say starting from today when I wake up, rather than right now.
In any case, onwards with the show. In one week's time, so this Thursday coming, I will report back with how my Operation Limitation went (I'm going with that now). Okay, until then, onwards, onwards.
--
A postscript caveat: for Operation Limitation, outside of the designated hours, I will allow myself to communicate on my phone through Facebook messenger if I'm contacted, because Facebook messenger frankly is like the new texting. What I won't do is branch out by clicking links or falling into other easy-pleasure internet traps. Communication only.
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