Romantically Objectifying Women

I think once upon a time, interesting and new thoughts used to be hashed out and discovered in letters between friends. Nowadays nobody writes letters, we send each other instant messages, or texts, or FB messages. It happens online. There are probably hundreds of interesting exchanges, some profound, some simply worthwhile, discovered through online conversations. I wonder what will be done with them; I wonder where they'll go. Anyway, after a brief online conversation with a friend yesterday, a realisation dawned upon me.

This first requires a brief line of background, a bit of self-explanation. I need to improve the way I perceive and communicate with girls that I find attractive and vaguely interesting. I don't know what it is; there is something within me that longs manically for love. In every girl that is cute and shows potential interest in me, my mind searches for love in them. Every time, if I'm attracted to a girl and she is friendly, my mind jumps to the conclusion that she may be the one to save me from a lifetime of loneliness, the girl to be my buoy through the hard times to come. It's a pretty image and as much as I can't deny that I want this kind of deep, dualistic love with somebody, I need to change the way I fall in love and have crushes. It's unhealthy for me and it's not fair on the girl.

I've realised I tend to objectify girls romantically instead of sexually. I conveniently put aside the fact that they are complex creatures with rich internal lives that are looking for their own way to navigate this earth, and instead I just see something that may possibly save me from loneliness. Each girl blurs into the next, so long as she's cute and vaguely interesting or friendly. I develop crushes indiscriminately and attach too quickly. Then the neuroses kick in; I believe I have to "clinch" the deal (terms I have used), snatch her, acquire her before some competition comes in and grabs her. She becomes an item to collect, and anxiety both compels me to push forward quickly but prevents me from doing so. I find myself in introspective binds and doubtless the girl on the other end is at the least confused by my behaviour. In all honesty, it probably affects me more than it affects her, but I could still be better.

So where do I go from here? Well, firstly I admit that I romantically objectify girls. I admit it and wish to stop. Secondly, I need to internalise the belief that they are first and foremost human beings with positive traits and flaws, not merely romantic saviours. Not every girl that is cute and seems friendly is perfect for me. Strange as it may seem for somebody who isn't exactly offered and draped in girls, I need to learn to be more picky. I need to be able to appreciate a girl who I'm attracted to, without the accompanying desire to kiss her and have her for my own.

This is going to be hard and I don't even know how to begin the internal shift. I suppose I need to build some kind of internal brake mechanism: something that stops me from instantly developing feelings for a girl just because she's cute. Keep the brakes on until I can list, maybe, 5 convincing things about the girl that appeal to me on a deeper, more personal level. "She's cute" is not allowed to be one.

I like that. Keep the brakes on until I can think of 5 things that appeal to me personally, not including her looks. That way I can be more discerning and see them again as people, and not vague love objects dropped into my life to save me.

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