Italy & Adulthood
I have 9 days left in the UK for at least three months. I'm feeling weird about it, but mostly because I'm not feeling that much about it. So I thought I would use this space here to lay out my thoughts and perhaps in turn try to feel more about it.
I begin my Italy placement in 9 days. I'll be going there alone; just me and a few essentials to begin a temporary new life in Italy for around 9 months. I suppose that's what it is, really, isn't it? A temporary new life. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, present it to myself in such a way that I can feel its magnitude, but I'm having difficulty. I fear that, with experience and my collection of emotional hurt, I'm losing my ability to feel as much as I once did. Before moving to Edinburgh, I had high-falutin ideas about my own personal independence and growth and entrance into the world, but now all I can express in my heart is that this experience will probably change me in ways that I cannot yet foresee. I suppose, in a way, I have worked toward this. I've crafted myself not to build my expectations up to fatal heights. I should use this odd tranquillity to just be in the moment and experience things as they are and as they happen to me. I need to make sure not to confuse this with not feeling strongly, though. I need to still feel strongly in the moment, just not about the expectations.
I suppose expectations should be replaced by goals. Expectations imply that you want the world to arrange itself into a picture in your head, whereas goals imply that you are going to attempt to arrange it so. So, I guess, if I'm looking at this placement as a temporary new life, I guess I'll be looking more to be a resident than an Erasmus student per se. I guess this means I shouldn't mind perhaps living a bit further out and owning a bicycle. This won't be ideal because I still want to socialise and be amongst the student bubble,but if it comes to it, it won't be the most hideous of ideas. I realise this is tangential, but I'm beginning to like the idea of being more adult. To me that means more than just living away from home, but it also means having a modicum of social independence: that is, not needing the validation of peers to live your life and be productive. This might be a notion of adulthood peculiar to me because I see it in my mother -- a real individual woman who still manages to make her life work even in the face of adversity. I don't love the idea of being a lone wolf, but there does seem something particularly adult to me about rising above the dependence on a social circle and organising your life according to your own desires. Besides, I don't think that way of living is incompatible with sociability; it's just a different style of living to the student who parties and gossips and gallivants with his peers. That lifestyle can be fun, but the tranquillity of adulthood is beginning to appeal to me more and more, even at such a young age. I admire it. Besides, I think adults receive their sociability from other sources. I'm not entirely sure what yet, because I am no adult, but I think it has to do with community. I think adults are more open to engaging with the people around them and forming relationships with them, as opposed to the more network-y style of sociability one notes in students. To bring it back to the point: I think it would be good for me to try to engage with this adult communality. I would be practising Italian with locals and developing a lifestyle that I think is perhaps one I want to begin to move towards anyway. Again, I will still try to engage thoroughly with the student community, but an independent adult is a style I'm willing to try on.
Not having my native language will make it hard to make people like me as easily as it would be in the UK, which means I'll be forced into being okay with not being the most liked person at a given time, i.e. I'll be forced into being okay with just being me as an independent, adult human being.
I think that will be my goal. Instead of to try to find love or to sleep with a hot Italian girl (though this would be nice) or party hard with loads of friends, I'll simply try to use this placement to build and form myself as a socially independent adult; I'll navigate my persona in that direction. Independence doesn't mean removal or being a hermit, simply being able to stand alone and cultivate spirit from various sources, not just the opinions of peers. I like this goal.
Okay, now I'm excited and intrigued. Bring it on.
I begin my Italy placement in 9 days. I'll be going there alone; just me and a few essentials to begin a temporary new life in Italy for around 9 months. I suppose that's what it is, really, isn't it? A temporary new life. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, present it to myself in such a way that I can feel its magnitude, but I'm having difficulty. I fear that, with experience and my collection of emotional hurt, I'm losing my ability to feel as much as I once did. Before moving to Edinburgh, I had high-falutin ideas about my own personal independence and growth and entrance into the world, but now all I can express in my heart is that this experience will probably change me in ways that I cannot yet foresee. I suppose, in a way, I have worked toward this. I've crafted myself not to build my expectations up to fatal heights. I should use this odd tranquillity to just be in the moment and experience things as they are and as they happen to me. I need to make sure not to confuse this with not feeling strongly, though. I need to still feel strongly in the moment, just not about the expectations.
I suppose expectations should be replaced by goals. Expectations imply that you want the world to arrange itself into a picture in your head, whereas goals imply that you are going to attempt to arrange it so. So, I guess, if I'm looking at this placement as a temporary new life, I guess I'll be looking more to be a resident than an Erasmus student per se. I guess this means I shouldn't mind perhaps living a bit further out and owning a bicycle. This won't be ideal because I still want to socialise and be amongst the student bubble,but if it comes to it, it won't be the most hideous of ideas. I realise this is tangential, but I'm beginning to like the idea of being more adult. To me that means more than just living away from home, but it also means having a modicum of social independence: that is, not needing the validation of peers to live your life and be productive. This might be a notion of adulthood peculiar to me because I see it in my mother -- a real individual woman who still manages to make her life work even in the face of adversity. I don't love the idea of being a lone wolf, but there does seem something particularly adult to me about rising above the dependence on a social circle and organising your life according to your own desires. Besides, I don't think that way of living is incompatible with sociability; it's just a different style of living to the student who parties and gossips and gallivants with his peers. That lifestyle can be fun, but the tranquillity of adulthood is beginning to appeal to me more and more, even at such a young age. I admire it. Besides, I think adults receive their sociability from other sources. I'm not entirely sure what yet, because I am no adult, but I think it has to do with community. I think adults are more open to engaging with the people around them and forming relationships with them, as opposed to the more network-y style of sociability one notes in students. To bring it back to the point: I think it would be good for me to try to engage with this adult communality. I would be practising Italian with locals and developing a lifestyle that I think is perhaps one I want to begin to move towards anyway. Again, I will still try to engage thoroughly with the student community, but an independent adult is a style I'm willing to try on.
Not having my native language will make it hard to make people like me as easily as it would be in the UK, which means I'll be forced into being okay with not being the most liked person at a given time, i.e. I'll be forced into being okay with just being me as an independent, adult human being.
I think that will be my goal. Instead of to try to find love or to sleep with a hot Italian girl (though this would be nice) or party hard with loads of friends, I'll simply try to use this placement to build and form myself as a socially independent adult; I'll navigate my persona in that direction. Independence doesn't mean removal or being a hermit, simply being able to stand alone and cultivate spirit from various sources, not just the opinions of peers. I like this goal.
Okay, now I'm excited and intrigued. Bring it on.
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