Admiring Myself & Not Using People As Mirrors, or Combating Loneliness
My greatest problem is I need people too much. I derive my self-worth from how other people picture me. And this isn't just a physical thing -- many people remonstrate with the people who derive their self-worth from their physical appearance, because it's a much more obvious issue, but they don't realise that there's a whole sea of people who do the same but with their personalities and their ambitions. In fact, it's normal to derive your self-worth from whether people respect your personality and your ambitions. This is what social media is predicated on; this is how social media works so well in 2014. People used to wage war against magazines for preying upon the physical self-esteem issues of teenagers, but they don't see that now it's moved into our own hands; we now constitute the social media that preys upon the internal self-esteem issues of all people.
I want people to think I'm intelligent; I want people to think I'm funny; I want people to think I'm interesting. I want these things because these are the things that I value and the most natural way to value them in myself is through mirrors -- i.e. other people's opinions of me. I will want these things whether I use social media or not -- if there's a problem here that needs solving, it goes beyond social media. However, social media doesn't help. Social media feeds the problem. What is the problem?
My ex-girlfriend is interesting. She travels, she does things. She doesn't post about it on social media though. She lives her life and you only learn about it if you happen to come across a message from somebody else talking about her life. I would love to be that way. The problem is I'm not that way. The problem is I seek recognition. I think I'll always seek recognition too, but I need to control and limit it. I know the answer is in doing things for the sake of those things and not for how it will seem to others. I already know this, but I need it to click in my head. The knowledge is rattling in there but it hasn't clicked.
I'm going to need people whether I use social media or not, so I don't think distancing myself from social media is the solution. I need to rely on people less. I don't know how to do that, though. I need to rely on people for the sake of people, and not for the sake of their being mirrors through which I can see the value in myself. I need to learn to see the value in myself without other people, then I can rely on people for the sake of people.
I need to become intelligent on my own terms, funny on my own terms, interesting on my own terms. This means I need to do things and evaluate them privately before wondering what other people might think of them. This goes for anything - what kinds of places I travel to, what kinds of books I read, what kinds of stories I write: whether these are interesting and smart or funny need to be judged first and foremost by me, and only then can I rely on people in a way that isn't fundamentally lonely and solipsistic.
I think I'll always desire to share the fruits of my personal labour with other people -- I'll want to show people what I do in my life and share myself and my writing with people. But at the moment, here, at 20 years old, I do it because I seek their approval, so that I might anchor my self-worth in it. Luckily I'm realising early that this is wrong. I need to do it as a gift to these people -- I need my life-stories and writing to be interesting and inspirational for people, not for me to look interesting and inspirational. Which I can already envision tying me in a double-bind wherein I 1) will want my personality, life-stories, and writing to be x, y, z for people as gifts, but 2) will need ultimately need to find value in my personality, life-stories, and writing for myself. This means hoping but not caring.
But before I'm able to make a gift of myself for other people, I see what I need to do. I need to train myself to be the sort of person I would admire, to value myself on my own terms.
And so another profoundly disturbing personal problem ends up having a simple, banal-sounding solution.
I want people to think I'm intelligent; I want people to think I'm funny; I want people to think I'm interesting. I want these things because these are the things that I value and the most natural way to value them in myself is through mirrors -- i.e. other people's opinions of me. I will want these things whether I use social media or not -- if there's a problem here that needs solving, it goes beyond social media. However, social media doesn't help. Social media feeds the problem. What is the problem?
My ex-girlfriend is interesting. She travels, she does things. She doesn't post about it on social media though. She lives her life and you only learn about it if you happen to come across a message from somebody else talking about her life. I would love to be that way. The problem is I'm not that way. The problem is I seek recognition. I think I'll always seek recognition too, but I need to control and limit it. I know the answer is in doing things for the sake of those things and not for how it will seem to others. I already know this, but I need it to click in my head. The knowledge is rattling in there but it hasn't clicked.
I'm going to need people whether I use social media or not, so I don't think distancing myself from social media is the solution. I need to rely on people less. I don't know how to do that, though. I need to rely on people for the sake of people, and not for the sake of their being mirrors through which I can see the value in myself. I need to learn to see the value in myself without other people, then I can rely on people for the sake of people.
I need to become intelligent on my own terms, funny on my own terms, interesting on my own terms. This means I need to do things and evaluate them privately before wondering what other people might think of them. This goes for anything - what kinds of places I travel to, what kinds of books I read, what kinds of stories I write: whether these are interesting and smart or funny need to be judged first and foremost by me, and only then can I rely on people in a way that isn't fundamentally lonely and solipsistic.
I think I'll always desire to share the fruits of my personal labour with other people -- I'll want to show people what I do in my life and share myself and my writing with people. But at the moment, here, at 20 years old, I do it because I seek their approval, so that I might anchor my self-worth in it. Luckily I'm realising early that this is wrong. I need to do it as a gift to these people -- I need my life-stories and writing to be interesting and inspirational for people, not for me to look interesting and inspirational. Which I can already envision tying me in a double-bind wherein I 1) will want my personality, life-stories, and writing to be x, y, z for people as gifts, but 2) will need ultimately need to find value in my personality, life-stories, and writing for myself. This means hoping but not caring.
But before I'm able to make a gift of myself for other people, I see what I need to do. I need to train myself to be the sort of person I would admire, to value myself on my own terms.
And so another profoundly disturbing personal problem ends up having a simple, banal-sounding solution.
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