An Exercise In Moving On
I was thinking about N. in the context of failed relationships earlier today, and I came to the conclusion that she must not be right for me. Surely if a relationship fails, the person isn't right for you insofar as they don't love you; a successful relationship ought to have the feature of mutual, reciprocal love.
I find it really difficult to imagine the kind of girl that is right for me now, though. Admittedly I don't think N. was perfect for me, but she was very good and I imagine we might have been able to grow towards each other. Unfortunately she changed her mind about me; she decided she no longer likes me and I will never know why. I can only imagine she stopped feeling physically attracted to me. (Edit: I just realised that sounds like I'm being really cocky about my personality. I should note, yeah, perhaps she was just bored of me as a person.) But that isn't the point of this post. The point, then, is to imagine what kind of girl is the 'right' girl for me.
I can't imagine. I guess ideally I'd like her to enjoy the banalities of life, before anything else. I would really like somebody who isn't always so obsessed with the cult of the global, who can scale down to their immediate surroundings and to those to whom they are most close. Somebody who can enjoy just walking around with me and taking pleasure in existence, the small things in existence. She would have to be a calm but excited soul, a girl perfectly happy with just sitting somewhere with me and talking, but who would also be perfectly happy to jet off somewhere if that's what we desired.
I think I would like for her interests to lie in the arts, which gives us something to do and live for, as opposed to being purely interested in Justice or activism, which I suppose is where N. falls down in my esteem. Those things are admirable, but I want someone whose passions I am compatible with. I understand the importance of caring for and being aware of your social role in the whole, but ultimately I am rather an immediate soul, and in a sense genuinely believe most people are. By an 'immediate soul' I mean that to consider the far-off and that which you haven't experienced or haven't been affected by is to use that same imaginative faculty you use when empathising with characters of fiction -- though it can be strong, it will never be as real as that which is presented to you in your personal sphere. Many people pretend this isn't the case though and posture as though they felt full empathy for those far-off souls, and I would like a girl who doesn't posture -- a girl who understands and duly empathises with the far-off, but who is also realistic about her humanity, and so values her individuality and personal sphere.
A necessary condition for my loving somebody is that they be more open-minded than the general mill of people, but not so open and free that she loses herself. I want her to want me to want her; I would like a girl who betrays a bit of jealousy, a girl who needs attention lest she grow upset. Obviously I mean within reason. I'm just harking back to the early days with N.: it felt confusing and false when it seemed like she barely required my attention to be happy. What is a relationship if not, through attachment, developing a slight dependence on your significant other?
I think all I'm asking for is somebody who will need me as much as I will inevitably need her.
The dissolution of relationships is a bleak thing, and makes it terribly hard to imagine how anybody else will be able to come to love you if X person can't. But I guess it's wrong to generalise from 1 or 2 cases to 7 billion people. At the same time, however, it might be best not to look forward to it and try to let it take you by surprise. I won't lie to myself, I'm permanently desirous of the state of being in love, but trying to imagine what the next girl is going to be like can be depressing when not truly sure if she exists. It's a good exercise in moving on, but it's no state to permanently be in.
N. wasn't right for me. There are surely girls out there who more closely fit the bill described here. However, I must just take it daily and keep up the good fight.
I find it really difficult to imagine the kind of girl that is right for me now, though. Admittedly I don't think N. was perfect for me, but she was very good and I imagine we might have been able to grow towards each other. Unfortunately she changed her mind about me; she decided she no longer likes me and I will never know why. I can only imagine she stopped feeling physically attracted to me. (Edit: I just realised that sounds like I'm being really cocky about my personality. I should note, yeah, perhaps she was just bored of me as a person.) But that isn't the point of this post. The point, then, is to imagine what kind of girl is the 'right' girl for me.
I can't imagine. I guess ideally I'd like her to enjoy the banalities of life, before anything else. I would really like somebody who isn't always so obsessed with the cult of the global, who can scale down to their immediate surroundings and to those to whom they are most close. Somebody who can enjoy just walking around with me and taking pleasure in existence, the small things in existence. She would have to be a calm but excited soul, a girl perfectly happy with just sitting somewhere with me and talking, but who would also be perfectly happy to jet off somewhere if that's what we desired.
I think I would like for her interests to lie in the arts, which gives us something to do and live for, as opposed to being purely interested in Justice or activism, which I suppose is where N. falls down in my esteem. Those things are admirable, but I want someone whose passions I am compatible with. I understand the importance of caring for and being aware of your social role in the whole, but ultimately I am rather an immediate soul, and in a sense genuinely believe most people are. By an 'immediate soul' I mean that to consider the far-off and that which you haven't experienced or haven't been affected by is to use that same imaginative faculty you use when empathising with characters of fiction -- though it can be strong, it will never be as real as that which is presented to you in your personal sphere. Many people pretend this isn't the case though and posture as though they felt full empathy for those far-off souls, and I would like a girl who doesn't posture -- a girl who understands and duly empathises with the far-off, but who is also realistic about her humanity, and so values her individuality and personal sphere.
A necessary condition for my loving somebody is that they be more open-minded than the general mill of people, but not so open and free that she loses herself. I want her to want me to want her; I would like a girl who betrays a bit of jealousy, a girl who needs attention lest she grow upset. Obviously I mean within reason. I'm just harking back to the early days with N.: it felt confusing and false when it seemed like she barely required my attention to be happy. What is a relationship if not, through attachment, developing a slight dependence on your significant other?
I think all I'm asking for is somebody who will need me as much as I will inevitably need her.
The dissolution of relationships is a bleak thing, and makes it terribly hard to imagine how anybody else will be able to come to love you if X person can't. But I guess it's wrong to generalise from 1 or 2 cases to 7 billion people. At the same time, however, it might be best not to look forward to it and try to let it take you by surprise. I won't lie to myself, I'm permanently desirous of the state of being in love, but trying to imagine what the next girl is going to be like can be depressing when not truly sure if she exists. It's a good exercise in moving on, but it's no state to permanently be in.
N. wasn't right for me. There are surely girls out there who more closely fit the bill described here. However, I must just take it daily and keep up the good fight.
Comments
Post a Comment