On Happiness, Social

I've decided I am more profoundly unhappy than I thought. I don't truly understand what it is or why it is that I feel this way. Though, I can attempt at a guess.

1. I don't think I am the person I want to be, and have come to realise that the person I am isn't a changeable trait; it is something determined by current environment, genetics, and upbringing; it is something I dislike, but something I must accept.
2. This isn't something I can run away from because it is carried within me as part of me; this sadness (or rather 'potential' sadness, as I will explain in a bit) will follow me wherever I go.

I feel as though I can detect two levels of my emotional functioning. There is the surface level, which is very real, and fluctuates from content to unhappy depending on my interaction with the world around me.  For example, if I watch a really good comedian or eat a really nice meal or spend excellent time with friends, I will fluctuate to happy. On the other hand is what makes me fluctuate to unhappy, and that isn't much. Not many things make me superficially unhappy. The only thing I can think of is when some social interaction doesn't go as well as I'd like, I feel unhappy. Especially with a girl I could possibly like -- if that goes unwell or awkwardly, I feel horrid about myself. However, I don't get unhappy in this (superficial) sense a lot. My unhappiness is usually manifest in stress and guilt (about college; being on time, wondering whether I'm doing enough to get into university, etc.) which I see as different sensations to unhappiness. They make me feel anxious, whereas unhappiness is a feeling of lowness. 

The other level is, what I'll call, the subtle level, or the feeling that occurs underneath. This feeling is often negligible, but when awoken and or made prominent, it takes over and feels so pointedly different that it becomes obvious that this is my default emotion. And it is a sadness. Often it can rise for no reason and affect those surface levels of emotion negatively, but often something will happen to remind me of that subtle unhappiness. That constant unhappiness. And I think this unhappiness is rooted in those two points I mentioned earlier (more specifically the first one).

I am simply unhappy with myself. I am happy with my intellectual potential, but I am unhappy with my lack of ability to easily change potential into actuality. I hate the fact that I am only occasionally extroverted, often with the aid of caffeine, and that I'm controlled by an anxiety when it comes to people I would like and controlled by an apathy when it comes to people I've decided don't interest me. I can talk to the people I don't care to talk to, but it becomes difficult with people I think I would like.

The desire to be social is a very large factor of my existence, I've noticed. I become genuinely sad when I feel I fail socially, and I am genuinely happy when I feel I'm succeeding socially. I need to figure out what it means personally to fail and succeed socially, and figure out what to do, because it is far too big of an issue in my life that affects my well being.

I think I consider failing socially as

• not being social, i.e. having minimal social interactions
• not conducting successful conversations (which leads onto the next point)
• not being interesting/being awkward

Succeeding socially would in turn be

• being social enough, i.e. not necessarily always being around people, but having social interactions
• conducting successful conversations
• being interesting/avoiding awkward silences

I think it's important to note that too many social interactions lends itself to a higher possibility of not conducting successful conversations, which in turn would heighten my chances of being unhappy. So the first trick is to only enter into either necessary conversations or conversations I think I could conduct successfully in order to avoid this heightened risk of sadness. Also, I must make sure I avoid not entering into enough conversations, lest I make myself unhappy that way.

The second step is being interesting in conversation, successfully conducting them. People reading this will be surprised at how someone can think they can apply such rigorous reason to social interactions, but that's just how I work, and it works for the most part, so forgive me. My first point stated "I don't think I am who I want to be" which referred to me being an introvert who can't conduct conversations he wants to very well. Then I stated its something that can't be changed. Perhaps it's true that being an introvert can't be changed, but on second thought I disagree that my conversational skills can't be improved. What, in my experience, are the things that comprise a good conversation?

• Interesting, (appropriately) personal information conveyed (e.g. ambitions, current life events, past life events, feelings)
• Presenting such information in an easy, anecdotal style (I need to learn how to better my verbal stories: beginning, climax, end -- the classical format works; don't stray from the point. In verbal stories one must keep the characters limited, as it will inevitably be a short story and you want people to stay interested. There will obviously be you as narrator; only involve others that are necessary. I think the interestingness of a story trumps the accuracy of a story in priority, so one can remove the amount of things that happened or people that were there in interest of a punchier anecdote).
• Humour. I'm funniest when with my friend Oran, which definitely helps in social interactions, but I need to be able to be humorous even without him. I'm not about to try to reason out my humour now, but the humour Oran and I have is imaginative humour. We paint pictures and hyperbolise. I love it. We're legends. But enough of the narcissism.
• To avoid awkward silences, I think it's probably important that I ask more questions than I do nowadays. I don't know why, but I tend not to ask many questions. This will be something I'll attempt to rectify.

I'm going to cut this blog post short for now, but yes. This two-levelled mood is definitely based upon the success of my social interaction. Or at least, the surface level is to a great extent, and partially the subtle level. The subtle level is slightly less explained, though, (I figure it may have to do with the nature of man and inevitable death, but I won't get into that now) but seeing as it's negligible, I'll just focus on the points of improvement I have mentioned now.